The Candymaker

Who's the jolliest man in the neighborhood? The Candymaker is! The Candymaker is!

The Candymaker is a now defunct company that only had one store which just so happened to be in the neighborhood I live in. It made and sold candies marketed towards children. The reason I'm bringing this up is because of the "anomalous properties" that the candies apparently possess. I will be describing each of The Candymaker's products and telling stories told by those lucky (or unlucky) enough to have consumed them. But first, a little backstory.

Backstory
The Candymaker first opened sometime in 1992 or 1993, and it remained until 2007, where it was closed due to a child getting violently disfigured after consuming one of its products. During its first weeks of business, many customers were disappointed due to the fact that the store only had one type of product for sale, but disappointment quickly turned to amazement as the anomalous properties of this candy were first discovered. Since then, consumers have loved The Candymaker, but started to become cautious due to some candies having strange and/or harmful side effects.

Following the event in which a child became horribly disfigured following consumption of a Candymaker product, sales dropped and The Candymaker closed its doors for the last time. The store was demolished short after.

Its motto, "The Candymaker is!", is advertised on all of its products, despite it not making sense in context.

Magic Raisins
Magic Raisins were The Candymaker's first product. It was a small, rectangular box containing what appeared to be ordinary chocolate-covered raisins. The box was yellow with purple highlights, with imagery of the product on it. The box advertised that "Magic Raisins is a treat that everyone will adore!".

The product itself, upon consumption, will immediately start displaying anomalous properties. No matter the consumer's preferences, they will find the product "the most delicious thing they've ever eaten", even if the consumer does not like raisins or chocolate.

An experiment in which a consumer without a tongue was given Magic Raisins and instructed to consume them. After eating just one, he would display an affinity towards the candies and proceed to consume all of the contents of the box.

Mood-Snacks
Mood-Snacks is a round hard candy that comes in fruit flavors. There are five types of Mood-Snacks. "Happy-Snacks", which are fruit punch flavored and have a pink color (Some have a small smiling mouth drawn on them), "Angry-Snacks", which are cinnamon flavored and have a crimson red color, "Sad-Snacks", which are raspberry flavored and have a teal color, and are also shaped like a teardrop, "Lovey-Snacks", which are strawberry flavored and are colored red with pink hearts adorning them, and "Mystery Mood-Snacks", which are colored similar to a gobstopper. Those who have tried a Mystery Mood-Snack all say that they taste like a different fruit with each story.

They are all individually wrapped in a small plastic sheet.

Happy-Snacks
Consumers of Happy-Snacks will feel euphoria for about 2-5 hours. No matter what mood they are feeling, they immediately start to feel extremely happy. They also display similar side-effects to those who use ecstacy, such as wanting to touch or hug others. Consuming a large amount of these in a short period of time is said to cause cardiac arrest, which appears to not phase those affected by it. After the effects wear off, they feel whatever emotion they were feeling before consumption of Happy-Snacks.

Angry-Snacks
Consumers of Angry-Snacks will feel rage for about 10 minutes. They will act extremely violent towards anybody, including friends or family, for no apparent reason. Children consuming Angry-Snacks have been reported to fight with other children at school, cussing at their peers, and in a rather violent case, one has stabbed another in the back with a rather sharp pencil. Taking more than one in a short amount of time will cause the consumer to start screaming loudly while convulsing for about a minute, not stopping to breathe, occasionally causing them to pass out or even die due to not breathing.

Sad-Snacks
Consumers of Sad-Snacks will feel extremely depressed for about 1-2 hours. They will immediately withdraw from others, continuously crying or screaming over things that have happened to them, no matter how little or how long ago the incident happened. Occasionally, consumers of Sad-Snacks have been reported to commit suicide.

Lovey-Snacks
Consumers of Lovey-Snacks will feel sexually active for about 3-6 hours. When under its effects, it is rather common to have an erection or an orgasm out of the blue. They will also attempt to have sexual intercourse with any person they come across, no matter the gender or age. Due to reported cases of priapism and rape after consumption of Lovey-Snacks, the Candymaker has stopped producing them after only a year of selling them.

Mystery Mood-Snacks
Consumers of Mystery Mood-Snacks will feel a random emotion for about 5 minutes. The effects of these are less serious than other Mood-Snacks, and no cases of injury or death have been reported as a result of consumption of Mystery Mood-Snacks.

Caramel Fruits
Every Halloween, the Candymaker would sell fruits on a stick, dipped in caramel and coated in roasted peanuts, similar to caramel apples. They have sold fruits such as pears, bunches of grapes, pineapples, bananas, raspberries, and exotic fruits such as durian and guava. The only incident regarding these caramel fruits is when the store has sold a "caramel baneberry" to a child, giving them a heart attack, resulting in their death.

Gummy Sauce
A typical package of Gummy Sauce contains two products. One is a bottle of a liquid similar to water. It takes the shape of whatever container it is poured into. This liquid is red, and fruit punch flavored. The bottle is named "Liquefied Gummy".

The other bottle is a very viscous, blue fluid. It is tasteless. When the two liquids touch, they "fuse together", causing the "Liquefied Gummy" to become a solid, gelatin-like material.

Molds to make different shapes are sold at the store aswell.

Two incidents of children drinking the Liquefied Gummy and then the stimulant have resulted in an obstruction in their bowels. One died, while the other had the obstruction removed from their colon. The surgeon said that the obstruction was "like somebody poured gelatin in the kid's asshole and made a mold of his intestines".

After the two incidents, Gummy Sauce was recalled for a month until they started selling a new type of gummy sauce. The new type's stimulant loses all function upon contact with stomach acid, and is also blueberry flavored.

Anti-Calories
Anti-Calories are sold in bags. They are an amorphous, kneaded material that tastes like lemon. It is the same color as human fat tissue.

On the nutrition information on the back of the bag, the calories are listed as "-2000 per serving".

Upon consumption of one serving of Anti-Calories, the consumer loses about 10 pounds of fat tissue. It is unknown where the fat goes to. Overuse of Anti-Calories to the point where no fat is left in the body results in other tissues starting to atrophy, causing death.

Candy Meat
Candy Meat are sold in containers similar to cuts sold at a butchery. They resemble cuts of steak or pork. Some reports say that they had found a container with a Candy Meat liver inside it. Instructions on the bottom of the container tell the consumer to cook it like it were an actual piece of meat. Eating it raw can result in symptoms similar to consuming raw meat. When cooked, Candy Meat tastes just like real meat.

They are advertised as "a delicious alternative for vegetarians and children alike".

Ball Lightning
Ball Lightning is individually wrapped. Inside the package is a small, circular, light blue candy that appears to give off a faint blue light, and a paperclip. There is also a tag attached to each package, with these instructions.

Step 1. Put the paperclip somewhere safe.

Step 2. Open up your Ball Lightning towards the paperclip.

Step 3. Enjoy!

When opened up, a Ball Lightning will release an electrical shock towards anything metal. Usually, this is the paperclip if the consumer follows the instructions on the package. The candy, when eaten before releasing the shock contained inside it, will give the consumer a shock similar to static electricity. It is rather sour, and boysenberry flavored. Amazingly, no deaths or injuries have been reported.

Candy Doodie
Candy Doodie is individually wrapped with a small plastic sheet. It is a small chocolate mold of what appears to be feces. The inside is filled with creamy chocolate. While no incidents have occured, sometimes there is corn kernels contained within the chocolate shell, resulting in a very unpleasant taste.

Because of the candy's appearance, they are often used in practical jokes.

Grape Singers
Grape Singers are contained in a small purple box. They are grape flavored.

Upon consuming all of the box's contents, the consumer's larynx will reshape so that the consumer's voice will sound "exactly like a singer".

In an experiment, a mute consumer was told to consume Grape Singers. A working larynx formed in his throat over the span of 2 days.

While the effects of Grape Singers aren't negative, they never wear off.

Astro-Soda
Astro-Soda is a small aluminium can containing a carbonated drink. The drink is pitch-black with small, blue blemishes within it that resemble spiral galaxies.

Upon examination with a household light microscope, one can view "stars" of varying color within these blemishes. More powerful microscopes can reveal small "planets" orbiting these "stars". To this day, scientists are still trying to locate Earth inside a can of Astro-Soda.

If not poured into a container, Astro-Soda will form into the shape of an oblong spheroid, floating in mid-air.

The drink does not display anomalous properties if consumed, but most consumers are not okay with drinking it, due to the fact that "they could possibly be drinking a tiny Earth with a tiny me inside it".

Candy Kitties
Candy Kitties are sold in boxes resembling a pet carrier. When opened, a small gelatin mold of a cat will walk out. It acts just like a living housecat, despite being made entirely out of candy. Dissection of a Candy Kitty will reveal small gummy organs inside of it, with a beating heart. They also appear to have reproductive organs, even though nobody has ever seen a pair breed.

Most consumers choose to keep Candy Kitties as a pet instead of eating it.

Facelift-in-a-Bottle
Facelift-in-a-Bottle is the Candyman's last product before the company went defunct. It is a water bottle containing a viscous, green, apple-flavored fluid. Upon consumption, the person's bodily features will start to reshape themselves into a different shape. There were many reports of unfavorable results after consumption of Facelift-in-a-Bottle, but the straw that broke the camel's back was when a child was transformed into a grotesque was of flesh after consumption. The Candyman went out of business following this.

The Candyman Himself
John B. Filkem, also known as the Candyman, founded this company. He is also the one who had produced every single product that the Candyman sells. No employee ever gets to watch him work, but one employee managed to get a hold of his recipee for Astro-Soda.

"6 cups of hydrogen

1 cup of dark matter

1/2 cup of light matter

2 cups of subatomic particles

1/4 cup tungsten"

It is unknown why the soda is made of inedibles and theoretical energies, yet remains edible.

After the Candyman shut down, Mr. Filkem fell into depression briefly before he found himself a wife. When asked about his company, however, he gets silent and then breaks out crying.

He is still alive to this day, and has 3 children.