Talk:What Happened?/@comment-25029585-20150101204800

I'll get right to the point with this one, it's good, but nothing too special in my eyes. Before I discuss the story, I think I'll point out some parts of grammar I thought... odd.

There were a couple of fragmented sentences that could've been easily combined, such as:

"I had to walk to school." and "But it wasn’t that big of a deal to me."

Instead you could've used a comma:

"I had to walk to school, but it wasn't that big of a deal to me."

I dunno, seems better that way to me.

Moving on to the story, I can say the build-up in to the semi-mindf*ck was good, but it wasn't as jarring as I thought it would be. But then again, telling from your categories you've added, you didn't intend it to be a mindf*ck. Though did think on the idea brought to me in the end, a lonely spirit, forced to roam the mortal world forever, with no sense of closure or hope.

Overall I think this story deserves 7.25/10, a short story with a couple of grammar errors, but an effective one nonetheless.

Steel, The Mark of Insanity  20:48, January 1, 2015 (UTC)