Night Thoughts

Note to everyone
An actual true story. All of this happened to me once. It was all probably just a case of being damn tired and watching a horror movie before I went to sleep, but was unpleasant and pretty creepy anyways. Enjoy.

Night Thoughts
Many of you probably heard of a phenomenon called Tulpa. Many of you probably don’t know what that word means. Well, in your childhood years, you could have a imaginary friend. A character that you liked, that you imagined you’re playing with. Someone that only you could have seen. Someone you could have played with, have fun with and so on. But you eventually grew out from it. Well imagine that you could really see your friend, hear him, talk to him like he was really there. Of course nobody expect you would be hearing or seeing your friend, it would be all in your brain. Still, you could be talking to your friend, hearing your friend like you see and hear a normal human being. That’s what a Tulpa is. There are many tutorials, sites, books and videos devoted to creating your own imaginary friend. Many people would consider this like invoking hallucinations, or even a mental illness. That’s understandable and I still am not sure if creating such being inside your brain is completely healthy for your mental health. I have never been really interested in making a Tulpa. Yes, phenomenon itself was really interesting, but I had doubts of creating one on my own. Even if it sometimes seems like a great thing, I was fearing the lack of privacy and inability to be able to get rid off it if I had any problems with it. It just seemed like a great responsibility that maybe I couldn’t handle. I would feel like I’ve killed somebody. But there was that one time, when I tried it. I don’t know if that whole thing was connected to my try to create my imaginary friend or not, maybe it was just me watching horror movies and being tired before going to bed. I don’t really know. But let’s start from the beginning. It was next day of my winter holidays. I was just lying in the bed, and reading Stephen’s King “The Shining”. He was one of my favorite authors, even if he lacked originality, he had a great talent for taking a normal thing, and making it into something really scary. I managed to finish it in one day, and straight away I went to watch the movie. The experience was… interesting. I didn’t really like it as it was different from the book. I just thought they simplified the Jack character too much. Still it was pretty scary. I stayed up to the noon, even a little after, as I had no school tomorrow and could sleep whole day if I wanted. I just laid in bed, and started thinking. You must know that I have a horrible problems getting to sleep, so I often lay in the bed for hours, thinking about stories with my favorite characters. Even if they are horribly witty, and on level of the worst fan fictions. I do not care, I create them only to entertain me. But this night, I watched a horror movie, and read a horror book before I slept. I’m a big fan of scary, so it’s not a big deal. I can take most of the darker themes as they don’t scare me that much, I come to this genre more for the mystery surrounding the story. But the problem is, the memories from the book came back into my head when I was trying to think about something else. It happened a lot and was really annoying. Maybe a little unnerving, but not scary. But eventually I managed to hold it back. I managed to control my thoughts and began to think about many different things. A show that I liked, girl that I had a crush on, I even made some stories. Then just from nowhere, popped a thought of a character from one of my favorite shows, Friendship is Magic. It wasn’t a being yet, it was just a small idea that popped into my head. I just imagined really small Twilight Sparkle sitting on my pillow. I thought that she was looking cute and kept that thought for a second. For some reason, I treated it like it was really here and… imagined that I’m picking it up. I didn’t think of it as a Tulpa then, but for a short moment, I thought that I was seeing her in my fingers. I stared at them confused for a short while, and then I remembered of that phenomenon.

As I said many times, I was tired and didn’t think clearly, so, even though I always was afraid of the thought of creating a Tulpa, I tried to make one. I quickly thought of character that I would like, and… tried to imagine it besides me. But that didn’t work too well so I decided to start talking to it, just asking a question, and answering it myself. At first, it was fine. I even found it a little bit relaxing. It was like roleplaying, which is one of my many hobby’s. I thought that even if I don’t manage to create one, I can always just play like that when I’m bored. It would probably result in creating my “imaginary friend” anyways. Pleased with my new technique of creating my own second consciousness, I continued conversation with myself. It really did not have anything significant in it, and I don’t remember it clearly. But most of the time, I was visualizing my not-yet-created Tulpa in my mind. She looked a little like Kinon from Gurren Lagann in the Anti-Spiral arc. That was the only look that came to my mind. What followed after, was the weirdest, and probably the creepiest thing that I’ve ever experienced. It all happened in my imagination, but still was not pleasant.

I don’t remember everything, maybe I’ve fallen asleep. Only thing that I remember is that thoughts about “The Shinning” movie came back. I started talking to myself about it, not really to the Tulpa I wanted to create, I was talking just to myself. Well, at least my sub-consciousness was, I wasn’t really controlling my thoughts. My brain went completely batshit crazy from then. Even that I regained some control over my thoughts, I still couldn’t stop talking to myself. Thousands of thoughts were racing through my head. At first it was pretty sensible, I was just trying to calm myself down, but as more I thought, the more irrational my thoughts became. What was weird too, was that I’ve been constantly forced to think about everything like I was a narrator in a book. It wasn’t just “Jesus calm the fuck down” It always was: “Jesus calm the fuck down- He said, feeling uncomfortable because of the thoughts.” I did everything to calm down. Well everything expect talking to my not yet created friend. I thought of it as a last point of resort, I didn’t know why. I also could not picture anything, if I even tried, it changed to the nightmarish version. Probably because my sub-consciousness still tried to force “The Shining” material on me. Still that was nothing weird, right? I just fallen asleep, probably had a nightmare and couldn’t take control of my thoughts. It happens. But the problem is, it does not stop here. You know, there is a router in my room. A router that needs to be connected 24h/day because it allows my family to use the phone. The annoying thing is, I think that the router makes a squeaking, annoying sound whenever everything else is off. That’s not a big problem as I can just forget of it most of the time. And so was that night… at least that’s what I thought for the first time I heard it. But whatever I’ve heard, was not the sound of the router. It was… different. It was lower, and was interrupted from time to time. The sound of the router was never interrupted. Seems like I’m paranoiac right? It could just been the sound of the damn machine, and you’ve only imagined that it’s something else. But that’s impossible. Because after some time, the sound was coming not from the place where the router was located, but from the corridor. I have no idea what it was. At first I thought that it may be the washing machine, but I remember clearly, it was off at the night. The fun does not stop there. Of course, for the whole time I was fighting with my minds to regain control over my brain, put some order into those chaotic thoughts. I even tried to pray. I myself am a deist, but was born into a catholic family. Even if I did not believe, praying was a thing that always allowed me to calm down. But even this was soon made into chaotic blabbering. “Our father, who runs a wealthy company” “Full of grace, the old ones are with thee, as you feed the ducks” It didn’t sound exactly like that, but you get the idea. So I tried to lay on my belly (that’s the only way I can sleep) and start thinking about my stories for my favorite characters, like nothing happened. But all the scenes became horribly corrupted. And for the whole time, I felt weird uncomfortable feeling. Actually that’s wrong, many weird unpleasant feelings. There definitely was some fear, there was some anxiety. But there was also something that I could not define. Finally I’ve decided to try to talk to my “Tulpa” once again. I asked a question. And I didn’t get an answer. Which shouldn’t be weird as it wasn’t a being yet. But I didn’t get an answer in sense, I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t answer my own question. There was a silence. And instead of my the picture of my imaginary friend, I’ve seen a skeleton. Just red, probably very old bones. No brown long hair, no uniform, not even blue eyes that I’ve imagined before. A skeleton. For some reason, my sub-consciousness made me think that my idea, the character that was yet no living, died. I got scared, and imagined that I throw the skeleton into an abyss. It disappeared. My thoughts got calmer, I felt like the abyss I imagined swallowed all the chaos with the skeleton. Still I couldn’t think about anything else than the emptiness. But finally, I’ve managed to fall asleep. I’ve woke up in the morning. Everything was normal again. I could control my thoughts, I did not hear anything. I finally felt good. I wanted to sleep more so I stayed in the bed. Then, just for one second I looked at the door out of my room. Just for one short moment, I’ve noticed a character. That looked nothing like my Tulpa. Then it just disappeared. I still think it was just a delusion. That my imagination was playing tricks on me, like it did for the whole night. I don’t say that Tulpa’s are a bad thing. I don’t say that you shouldn’t make one. Hell, it still seems like a pretty cool thing, and people say it’s harmless. Maybe my story has nothing to do with my try. But after experiencing it, I decided, it will be better for me, to not play with this anymore.