Talk:Umbra/@comment-8470110-20150808173743

I want to start off that a certain scene in this story (the rape scene) does violate one of our rules about explicit content on the site. However minor the violation is, I'd recommend either switching the scene to a different act or scrap it entirely. Now onto the review.

This story definitely had a good premise, that of the deep web. I have never really seen a pasta about the deep web so already there were points for originality and creativity. It also seemed believable enough as a Haunted Gaming story, as stuff like this can exist and probably does. Yet, that's where most of the positives end. The rest of the story is just okay to me.

It starts off pretty well and establishes everything rather well. Other than that, the tone just kind of fades after the initial few paragraphs. Once the game begins, a combination of lack of detail and rushed development takes over. We almost immediately go from 0 to 100 with the scene mentioned at the beginning of this review and nothing else really happens in the game. It's the rape scene and then it's over. If there were a few more events during the game that built up to it, with each getting more and more brutal, perhaps the atmosphere would have been better and leaves the reader disturbed.

As for grammar and spelling, there were a few errors around the story so the sooner those are corrected, the sooner the story will look a bit better. Other than that, nothing else to gripe about.

Overall, this story feels bland. The scenes are established but they aren't fleshed out enough and the story races from one setting to the next. To make this story better, I'd recommend adding more to the characters and scenes, add a couple more scenes in the gameplay session, build some tension and a more satisfying conclusion that doesn't feel very PSA-esque. If you have any questions or concerns, let me know via a message on my Wall. I'll get to you as soon as possible. Best of luck, my friend!

Rating: 4.5/10

-Sshakenbakee (Head New User Advisor)