Light in a Dark Time

As a 13 year old boy, it's obvious that I would think my life is pretty bad. For example, my brother and sister make idiotic life choices, like neglecting school so they can live their lives in la-la land. Problem is, my parents are too fond of that, and arguments (most of the time very intense) are a recurring thing in my household. You are likely saying that I should be happy for what I have, and you're probably right, but it seems as if my love for my family and these fights are mixing into some kind of unhealthy mindset. I've had multiple cases of depression (the first one being after my grandfathers death), and it seems to be getting worse, unfortunately.

The one thing keeping me from going completely suicidal is, sadly, the internet. I've found it much better than real life as bad as that sounds, and I would rather be on my computer than say, being downstairs with my unapologetic family. That's not to say I don't love my family members, but when they're all together it feels like a bomb that's about to go off. Also, sorry if I sound too emo. I don't like to be that kind of person but sometimes I can't help myself.

Besides being on the computer, I also watch after my sister's dog. His name is Kenny, and my sister adopted him without my parents permission, leading to (of course) several arguments. Kenny doesn't do much. He likes to sit around and sleep for most of the day, only getting up to eat and drink as well as the occasional bathroom break. My sister said she'll pay me for my efforts, but she hasn't done that, and I don't think she will. She better, because Kenny's random barking and chewing on shoes is seriously pissing me off. Actually, Kenny's barking and chewing isn't the only thing that pisses me off, it's also his existence. To me, Kenny is a symbol of everything that has been tearing me down for a very long time. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have to lay down on my bed, sleepless, overhearing my mother's yelling and anger while she's on the phone with my sister. That dog is a grudge between my mom and sister. They're still mad about Kenny's adoption, and the two really like to bring it up a lot. Mainly in screaming contests while calling each other "bitches" and "retards" and what-not. You know, like a good family!

I reason I get so upset over these arguments is because, like I said earlier, I love my family. Sure they've been having fights before my birth, but they weren't as "violent" and intense. My family is still my family, and hearing them threaten things like abandoning one-another and running away makes me sad. My brother actually ran away a few times, but he was eventually found and brought back. It's physically hurting me too. Whenever an argument breaks out my chest hurts and I find it hard to breath. I can't sleep when they're yelling at each other during the night. I know that's obvious, but now I can't fall asleep until about 2 AM+ and I think I have insomnia.

Do you see why I don't like these arguments?!

If not, then I'm fucking sorry! I'm sorry that because I live in an OK house and my family can afford food that means I have no right to feel sad about anything! I'M SORRY THAT I HAVE HAD MULTIPLE CASES OF DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS!

Needless to say, I don't like Kenny. Not one bit. He is symbolic of everything that made my life a living hell. And he just sits in my living room barking at the window without a care in the world. Meanwhile I have to take multiple walks outside just to make it through the day, so I guess I'm jealous. But I don't like his careless, I don't wish I could have that. I don't want his "anything", I just want him out of my life!

Which is why I decided to do something a little productive for a change.

You see, I thought to myself, "Would I REALLY care if Kenny was gone?" And the answer is: "No, not really." Sure there might be crying and other like that, but I've done that many times because of their stupid decisions! Besides, as long as you make up some reason for the disappearance, they'll never know it was you (which will save me the self-guilt). Plus, at least I'm not killing any people right?

I'm thankful no one seemed suspicious that I was enthusiastic about taking Kenny on a walk. If they did, they might have put 1 & 2 together. But they didn't, so I happily took him off on a walk down a trail that few walk on. Another good thing happened: No one was on the trail! Me and the dog were just walking until we came upon a bridge. I loosened my grip on the leash to let Kenny scobble over to the edge to get a good view.

Then, I did it. I finally did it.

I pushed him.

I found it funny how he tried to struggle and gain grip on the edge and the rock wall beneath it. It just showed how weak he was! Maybe we should've given him a few athletic exercises :)

He plunged into the water below, and didn't surface. I thought he could swim, but whatever, works for me I suppose. As I walked back to my house I rehearsed over what I was going to say to my family. They're probably going to send out flyers and posters asking for help, but it's no use. He's dead, get over it. After all, that's what my parents say to me when I complain about their arguments, they should be the kings of moving on. As I neared my house, I thought about the excitement and thrill of "killing" Kenny. I use quotation marks because technicality I didn't kill him, it was the water! I just pushed him in! But anyways, I realized how fun it was to watch that piece of shit drown in the cold river. In fact, that was the most fun I had in months! I thought of the potential of doing this more often. I could get back at those bullies who are total assholes to me and everyone else. Yeah, that makes sense. No one would miss them! Or, what about that retired Teacher who gave a good majority of my class bad grades? Nah, she has ties with the school, maybe I could torture her instead? I don't know, but what I DO know, is that I finally found something enjoyable that isn't the internet: Getting revenge!