Talk:Bring Your Mother To Work Day/@comment-25021327-20150212143641

I thought this was a pretty well done story. The pacing was nice, and even, the grammar was mostly in good shape, and I'm familiar enough with Portal that the descriptions worked. The writing here felt quite competant, and Portal is a game that lends itself well to the Haunted Game genre.

I feel like I want to like this pasta more than I do. I appreciate that this is a bit of a twist on the typical game-makes-player-kill-themself story, giving more explanation to the player's mindset and motives, but I guess it still felt pretty standard to me.

'''Nitpicking! '''(feel free to skip this section) There were just a few things here that felt a little bit off to me. The narrator says she lives with a husband, children, and grandchild, but aside from the college daughter, we don't really know anything about any of them. The narrator doesn't even think about telling her husband that his daughter was involved ina mass-murder/suicide and instead starts playing Portal. I also imagine that there would be police calling and banging on the door of the house pretty quickly after the accident with info and questions, this assumes that the license plate was still attached to the car. Nitpicking Over!

This doesn't really reflect on the story, but I felt like I should mention that, for me anyway, the "A Triumph" section was detrimental to the reading experience. There is no need to defend your story from questions or comments that haven't arisen yet, nor any reason to admit to Mary-Sue-ing yourself into a story. I think we all do that to a certain extent XD

I apologize if this critique comes across harsh, negative, or just nitpicky, that wasn't the intention. I did enjoy reading this and I only brought up so many of the points I did because from reading this, it seems like you've got some good writing chops. There is some nice attention to detail here as well. I'll likely go and read some of your other pastas after this :)

So, in all, I'm glad I read this, and hope that other readers aren't as nitpicky as I am!