Talk:Ōkami-shin no haiboku/@comment-11079349-20131129203805

+10 points for the mention of chuggaaconroy. -5 points for calling orochi, the snake, a dragon. (as a note, english translations of "orochi" are "snake".) +2 points for the funnymouth joke.

I like this, but i wouldnt say it's creepypasta material. it was, however, a very compelling story that definitely works the way you intended. I'm going to make a list of things that caught my attention.

1. Yeah, the -5 points thing? I actually mean that. Orochi is a snake, just like he is in every anime/manga/game. Hell, chuggaaconroy (whose mention i gave you the +10 points for) makes special mantion that orochi is a snake. also, these points don't actually mean anything, I just like showing my apreciation for things like that.

2. This story might be a bit long, but once again, it serves for a purpose. as a side note, you definitely need to work on the pacing a bit ... then again, the halucinations can account for that bit.

3. I need to adress the amulet at the end because that really caught my attention. first off, the console was new, so no one could have placed that there. second, unless it was literally inside the console, there was no way the protagonist wouldn't have noticed it, in which case it would have been deformed or destroyed by the fire. third, the drug was unique, and I can easily say I've only ever once heard of that drug, and that was in a movie. This number is basically nitpicking on my part though.

4. The console itself would have been impossible unless it wasnt made by nintendo. I know nintendo has done some wierd stuff, but a console that does wierd stuff like input orochi into wii sports resort is far fetched. then again, that could have been the drug on the amulet getting hot and slight amounts of it turning into vapor and causeing the halucinations.

5. wow, the smoke was used well. It really makes sense why she wasnt able to see the drug affects and you make certain to put it in detail. I didnt understand why everything had to do with smoke at first, but now i know.

6. the tattoo sounds freaking amazing. I would love to see that at some point. as for the execution, that was pretty great, too. it raises the question, did this drug just, coincidentally, wipe the memories of that particular tattoo, or did Amaterasu actually leave that there as a mark of their battle together?

7. Just a sort of side note here, I'm really glad this exists. It may not be the best creepypasta on the site, but it's one of the only Okami creepypastas on the site. by the way, Okami is a category, mainly because it's the name of the game.

8. I didnt mention how well the fire was used. I didnt expect it at all. In fact, near the end i was preparing myself for a "and then i died" ending. Glad to see that didnt happen

9. so the dead man on the roof never existed? god dang it, I can't keep my mind wrapped around it long enough to finish this list. i keep wanting to ask what happened to the body, but it didnt exist.

10.  would like to note that with the whole fire bit, this could almost be categorized as a mindfuck creepypasta, as it keeps hinting at a fire, but never really says until the reveal. still, not really a mindfuck, just close.

11. so, when the protagonist went to turn off the console, was that when the drug first hit him? he was knocked back by the drug and couldnt think any more?

12. That friend was a complete dick. If one of my friends did that to me, i likely would have kicked him in the balls the next time i saw him. hacking a game just to scare me ... dick. then again, i also don't have involuntary muscle twitches like that, so i wouldnt have hit the wrong "difficulty".

13. for the record, chucking a motorcycle helmet at all is a terrible idea. That can damage the helmet and cause a "nearly fatal crash that shattered the helmet but not my head" to turn into a "Fatal crash that shttered both the helmet and my skull". Yes, i ride a motorcycle, and i know that it's unlikely, but a safe motorcyclist should know better than to just toss around a helmet. still, the protagonist was still smarter than those people who dont use helmets.

14. alright, now to get to the very few cliches i saw. first off is blood, however, it's excusable in the way you used it because it actually adds to the elements of the story. By the way, i really just mean the blood at the beginning during the hack, not really the later mentions of blood which are realistically going to happen if you stab someone.

15. The only other cliche i saw was how the hack played out. then again, this friend obviously hadnt read up on how to make a creepy hack subtle.

16. Finally, proofread this and fix the misplaced words and the occasional slip in grammar. trust me, it actually helps when people don't have to decipher what word was meant to go in each area. I'm not saying this is bad though, just that it lengthens the time the reader has to read, and that actually takes away from a story. after all, you can't expect to be a famous author if you don't proofread your work. (not to say you want to be a famous author, just throwing an example out there.)

17. Not to imply anything, but are you, the author, female, because throughout the story, i kept getting the feeling that the protagonist was female. I'm not certain why, but i kept finding myself trying to say "she" instead of "he" when i wrote this review. then again, it might have just been the fact that the name Seamus is literally one letter away from being Samus, who is a girl.

So, this is a great story, less so a great creepypasta. You have talent where talent is needed. Hell, you could likely become an author if you so desired. I give the concept of the story 7/10, the story, concept and execution together 9/10, and the story as a creepypasta 8/10. so, the concept wasnt really something i would have used, but you used it so well that it came out better than i thought was possible. good job there and keep it up.