Darker Findings

Darker Findings
You said you loved me. You said you cared. You told me that you wouldn’t leave until I asked you to. How naïve was I to believe those words. In my dark hours, you were there to comfort me. You were there to wipe away the tears that finally formed in my eyes. You were telling me that everything would be okay, even though I doubted it. You were there to hold me when I was scared, doing whatever you could to make me feel better. I could feel the warmth of your love. It was a great feeling and I’ll never forget it. The only problem is I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel it again.

Once again I lay in my bed but it’s the one thing that’s comforting me this time. The blankets embrace me in an attempt to keep me warm. Even with that I still shiver, as my thoughts are dark and cold; much like your heart. You said you wouldn’t leave me yet you left me without warning. You abandoned me as soon as something you saw as better caught your eye. I put all my heart into you, spent as much time as I could with you and what thanks do I get? You turn around, slap me across the face and walk away. I didn’t tell you but I was begging you to stay. I was already broken but you took those pieces and stomped down on them, turning them into dust. I’m alone once again but this time, you’re not here to save me. Instead, you’re the cause of my pain.

I try to forget you like I have done with a lot of my past but I just can’t do it. I try to leave you behind like I have many other things but it’s impossible. Every time I try to erase you from my mind your grip grows stronger and it plunges me into further insanity. I see you with what you replaced me with and the pain is unbearable. I know you don’t feel anything, not even the slightest bit remorseful. In your head, I’m sure you thought of it as removing an unwanted limb; you did it in whatever way was convenient and you did it with ease. You’re probably enjoying your newfound freedom. After all, you’re no longer forced to be at my side when I’m having a bad day. You no longer have to deal with my petty problems and listen to me vent my feelings and issues to you. You can do whatever you please without wondering if I’m trying to get a hold of you. All you have to do now is live your life without any regret about leaving me behind while you move forward. I guess I’ll have to try and do the same.

My heart and mind are conflicting once again. The war they’re waging is keeping me up at night as all I can do is witness my body attempt to cope with the pain you’ve brought upon me. I lay here wondering if you’re thinking about me, wondering if you feel even the tiniest bit guilty about what you’ve done. I lay here wanting you back but at the same time, I want nothing to do with you. I have others around me who I know care about me more than you ever did. I have others who will comfort me better than the attempts you’ve tried. They will do what they can to suppress my pain rather than cause more. These people I’ve started to neglect because I’ve been focusing everything on you. It’s been too long since I had a chance to be myself. I can finally do what I want and be who I want without worrying that you’ll judge me. I finally realize that I’m free. I’m free of your judgemental and controlling ways.

The war inside of me begins to calm down as realizations begin to spark inside my head. The day I thought would never happen has finally come; I’m over you. I can now live my life the way I see fit. I can show my true colors instead of dying them different shades just to please you. I now have full control over my life and you’re no longer part of it. My mind becomes peaceful as I roll onto my side. Smiling, I close my eyes and prepare myself for what’s to come. No matter what’s thrown at me, I know I can handle it.