Talk:I am/@comment-25021327-20141012182756

Well, I can tell that there was some effort put into this. That being said, I feel like this could use some work.

This could use a once over for some spelling and grammar issues. Some of them are simply misued homophones (You're-your, then-than, things like that.) One thing that jumped out to me was that there was inconsistency with how dialogue was formatted. Sometimes dialogue would be in quotation marks, sometimes not. It made it a bit difficult to follow at times.

As far as the actual story, it was okay. The evil doll thing can work sometimes. But there were some other things that seemed a bit off, or confused me a little. I couldn't quite tell how ol the narrator and the brother were supposed to be. I had been thinking maybe 12-15 or so by the way they acted, and how the mother reacted to them, but I'm not sure. It's not that big a deal I guess.

Some things about the Germany trip felt odd to me as well. It seemed like it wasn't a big deal (the mother was ready to cancel due to her child's cut) and when they got there, it seemed they just shopped for a while, then went back home. I don't remember reading that they stayed the night, but maybe I missed it. That's a lot of traveling in one day, but maybe this family does a lot of that kind of thing.

One of the big ones was how the mother reacted to the sibling murder. She just dumped her son into a lake, and took the other kid to Mexico right away. That is an extraordinary situation, and I can't say that I know how someone would react, but it seemed to take place rather quickly. This may be due to the fact that the narrator was unconscious for a while.

I'm curious as to if this was all written in one sitting. The pacing of the story changes throughout. the first and second 'acts' seem to take their time and go over many detailed events (waking up late for school, the second house, the glass in the driveway) while the end feels rushed. I understand the ending is supposed to have more action, it just felt like a huge jump in pacing.

I'll stop blabbering on now. I hope this critique wasn't too discouraging.