Talk:Power Corrupts/@comment-25021327-20141210203142

I appreciate that you keep your writing prolific, adding stories to the wiki that are typically at or above the quality of most of what is here. I can tell that you do enjoy writing. That said, I feel like you might benefit from taking more time with your writing.

Your stories have a pretty consistent voice, or style to them, which is kind of neat. Yet I feel that said voice is becoming a little, for lack of a better word, sloppy. I think that the energy you put toward your writing comes through to the reader, but what also comes through, for me in any case, is a somewhat manic pace.

The concept here is something that could be explored, and may be something that I find more interesting if I knew more about the characters or the world in which this takes place. The set up is fairly standard, The character introduces himself and tells his circumstances. He mentions having to put up with crap as a politician, then seems to think that becoming president will make things better. I don't feel much motivation from this character.

The simulation and its concept are kind of silly, but so are a lot of things in gaming pastas in general, so that's not a dealbreaker. I get that the simulation is supposed to test, or ready someone for the political power which they are likely to receive, and that the simulation works by hyperbole. It doesn't seem very scientifically sound as far as experimants go, there is no follow up about results, nor information about a control test. But like I said, that is the setup for the pasta, so It's okay.

There were some wordings and sentence structures that read oddly to me:

'' ... I closed my eyes, and opened them to discover a torrent of rain bombarding the countryside like an airstrike. I saw the tribesmen and women follow suit as they abandoned their tasks at hand... ''

What suit are the tribesmen following? I know what the narrator is saying, that they are reacting to what is happening. But the wording fells strange to me.

'' ...let the torrent of water drown every last bigot and disbeliever as they washed over them.... ''

I feel like "they" should be "it" in the sentence, as it refers to the singular torrent. Also, the bit about the years passing in microseconds seemed a bit extreme to me, as human civilization is only several thousand years old by comparison. but now I'm really nitpicking and being a super nerd XD

I once again don't quite get the "mindfuck" tag here. I didn;t feel that the story had any kind of twist ending, or bait and switch element. The narrator is elected at the end, but that's just an ending I would expect for the story. Maybe I've missed something in reading.

But as I have mentioned, this is by no means a bad story, and  I sincerely apologize if it seems like I'm ragging on it, or badgering the author. I try to critique to the level I feel appropriate for the author, and I think Sif has some good chops. For me, this just felt rushed, and a little sloppy and like it would have benefitted from some more time put into it, and some less linear storytelling.