Talk:Umbra/@comment-8470110-20150816205125

A lot has been changed since I last read this and I apologize for this review taking so long. However, now that I fianlly re-read the story, what changed and was it for the better?

The beginning was untouched for the most part and that's good, as it set it up rather well. More detail overall was added and there was build-up to the climax. The story as a whole was improved greatly and that was excellent to see. Other than a few grammar and spelling mistakes still lurking here and there, it's all great. However, there is one last thing that needs to be added for this story to really take off; the family aspect.

We're only told briefly of the family at the climax so it kind of feels like it's coming out of nowhere. As such, we need mentioning of the family prior to that revelation. Even if it's something as subtle as "I fianlly decided to start playing Umbra. Maybe that would help me take my mind off of my family's absense.", it could work. We would also need, then, a few points in which the story reflects on the protagonist's psyche and background with his now murdered family. Perhaps these points can be touched upon during the gameplay. Perhaps start with a happy family in a home and as it goes on, make the game darker and darker, to the point where the character finally kills his wife and son. If the game revolved around that and maybe had the player choose dialogue options (which became more sinister as the game progressed), it could really help this story.

Once the family aspect is expanded, this story can easily become a hit. More detail has been added where it was needed and the story has been expanded but it just needs one last push for it to make everything connect. Other than that, excellent job!

Rating: 6/10

-Ssshakenbakee