Cold Water

As I stare directly into to the waters below, I feel confortable even though I am 100 feet above. To the left of me, I could see the man that has been following me. He is at the dirt pile side of the railroad bridge. He wants me to drop in to watch me stuggle and fight for a grasp a breath of fresh air. I won't let him as long as I can keep my wits. Suicide is a selfish thing in eyes, but I can see why it could be so blissful. No more pain. Do I really want my mother to come looking for me up on this bridge? 18 years ago, my Uncle came to where I am at while he was drunk and slipped. He broke his back on the ledge and sunk in the water like a rock. During the course of two weeks, my mother looked for her brother everyday in the dark muddy water while she was 8 months pregnant with me. On July 15th 1997, He was found washed up on the shore of the river. His body was identified and he was buried soon after. 3 years ago, was when I started to develop paranoia & depression. The only thing that kept me calm was to write about what is going on in my head on a piece of paper. What I did with the paper I wrote on was, crumple it up, and burn it. By doing this process, It made me feel better for some reason. Every night, they would come back. I could feel my heart race and my brain filling up with suicidal thoughts, then I see the man staring at me through my window. Often times I would sleep walk and end up waking up on top of my roof. My parents would often times rummage through my room to see if I am stashing any drugs. It made me hate them even more. All they did was make the situation worse. No trust. No help. My life is falling falling apart, and I have done nothing to change it. I'm in a continuation school for fuck sake. The only reason why I stay, is because it makes my family happy to see me around, and my short list of friends that I have trust in don't want to see me go either. I know I just sound like some teenager that thinks they are having problems just so they get some attention. I know for damn sure that isn't the case here. I can't find help. I don't like talking about my own personal stuff. It makes me feel weird, I like to help others. The thing that brings me a little joy is seeing other people happy & making them laugh. I get told that I am a funny guy and seem so full of life. Honestly, I just use the funny side to cover up what is actually some shitty boring person I am. I feel an upward push and I felt my back hitting something soild. Goosebumbs ran up my arms and legs. No more pain. I can see a light within the muddy darkness. It's just the sunlight. I felt my small fan blowing wind into my face and I get up. It's half past 9 in the morning. I could smell my mom making some pancakes. I grab a glass of milk to get rid of the horrid morning taste out of my mouth. My mom asks of I want some pancakes, I just declined & went back to my bedroom. I smelled a foul odor coming from my clothes, it smelled like rotted clothes. I was confused by the smell & took them off to wash. I hopped in to the shower and noticed my skin was looked white and weathered. My hair was full of small rocks and little weeds. My feet felt sore and I could feel a slight sting on my back. I get out of the shower to go look in the mirror to see a huge gash running across my spine. I see the steal beam of the bridge. I dust myself off and check the time. It's close to 4 A.M. and the man is no longer there to torment me. I hiked back home and it took me for what seemed like a few hours, but it took me an hour to get home. I snuck through my window, I decided to stay up for the rest of the morning and play some pinball on my phone as I charged it. It's 6 A.M. and I hear my mom get out of bed and walked down the hallway. I decide to get up and go to the bathroom and take a shower. I made sure I looked in the mirror this time. Nothing wrong. I spent a good hour just letting the water run down my back. I don't like taking showers in the morning. Our water temperature is a bit weird. It will be hot, then it will be ice cold for second, then hot again. I get out, I check the mirror again. I see myself. I'm fine. I walk out the bathroom and I smell the scent of pancakes. The kitchen was a bit dark, only on of the lights were on the the kitchen. I took a quick glance, and I see the man. He is eagerly grinning and started walking towards me. I dashed to my room and grabbed my keys. I took off in my truck, and headed toward the bridge. Everytime I look in the rear view mirror, I see the man in different positions on the road I was travaling on. Sometimes, he would be walking on the sidewalk. Sometimes, he walk be facing the opposite way of me. Sometimes, He would even be in the middle of the street. As I got to the parking lot to the store down the street from the brigde, I parked my truck and start walking to the dirt side of the bridge. I walk along side of the railroad tracks and I see little pebbles and patches of grass. I look up and see the base plate of the bridge, it was dated 1942. I'm guessing that was when the bridge was made? I made it to the small little ledge where the ladder is on the way up to the top portion of the bridge. I got to the ledge and looked down at the waters below. To the left of me, I could see the man standing there on the dirt side of the bridge. He wants to see my demise. No more pain. No more suffering. The water burns my nose and I hit a rock on the bottom of the river floor. I can't move. No more pain. I wake up to see the steal beam of the bridge. The man is now gone and I feel the pain go away. I get up and I walk along side of the railroad tracks and see the pebbles and the small little patches of grass again. It was getting late and I needed to get home. I finally reach my truck. I look back at the bridge once more, I see a person on the very top of the bridge. I seen the person jump, and I felt happiness. I should've felt remorse or some sort of dignity, but I didn't. I just got in my truck and took off back home. I parked the truck in the backyard and went straight to my bedroom. I layed down and went to sleep. It's half past 9 A.M.. I checked to see if my parents were asleep, they were gone. "Hmm, They must have gone somewhere", I said to myself. I went into the shower for about 15 minutes and got out. I brush my teeth and threw some clothes on. I walked outside. It seemed like a ghost town. Nobody was outside. I walked to the store down the street from my house, nobody was there. I was freaking out at that point. I tried using my cellphone, no internet connection or any reception. I had a thought come to mind, "go to the bridge". It was very sunny outside today and it's a little breezy, but humid. I started my truck up and drove off. I finally make it to the store by the bridge. I could see the pebbles and patches of grass under my shoes as I make my way to the top of the bridge. I get up on the ledge once more. I had two choices. No more pain or, more pain? I felt the wind blow through my hair and wind hittig my face. It felt good. I turned off the fan and went to sleep. Silence. No more pain. No more suffering. The world all to myself.