Talk:Oneiro/@comment-25021327-20150804230350

This story has a lot going for it. It's competantly written, seems to have a few levels going, and feels fresh to me. I could tell that some good effort and planning went into many parts of this story.

I liked the character of the narrator. One of my favorite things about reading is getting to know the characters, and that seems to be something that can be a little lacking in the genre of creepypastas. But this one did a good job of letting the reader meet, and get to know the author of the journal through his entries, the vocabulary he used, and other exposition. I thought it was well done, and felt natural.

Conversely, though I realize the necessity of having the detective in the narrative of this story, I felt like sometimes their notes on the journal entries took me out of the main story, at times when I was feeling engaged. I kept on reading the detective's reactions to the entries as I went along, but to be honest, a lot of the time I just wanted to go to the next one, and for the most part, the information the reader needs is given in the actual entries. Like I said, I know that there are facts that are necessary to be given to the reader from an after-the-fact perspective, but I did sometimes feel like I would have rather kept reading the journal entries.

The concept and plot here really appealed to me. I, personally find dreams fascinating, whether they are mine or someone else's, and I also do some drawing, painting, and other visual art, so that was also relatable for me. I love the concept of a person hastily painting their dreams in a half groggy state before they forget what they saw, perhaps not even remembering what they painted later on. I've done some sketching of dreams and the results are usually interesting, and if nothing else, amusing.

There were some format and narration aspects here that threw me off a bit (I did fully read this twice, but please let me know if I'm missing things!). The first "Video" bit was a bit confusing for me, I was expecting to read a description of a video, but that section read as a narrative from Daniel, which makes the video part seem extraneous, aside from creating a way for Mance to actually view the incident at Denny's as opposed to just going by hearsay. So again, I think I get it, but it felt a little clunky to me.

Another point that had me wondering a little bit was the timeframe. It sometimes seemed like Mance was reading one or two journal entries a day, or taking long breaks between them, where I would think that he would want to read al of it as quickly as possible. This probably helps the feasibility of Mance coming around on thinking that Daniel wasn't crazy, but again, I wasn't sure how long a period of time these readings went over.

-NITPICKING!- (Feel free to skip this section >ω<')

Okay, one thing that bugged me much more than it should have was the issue of the dates here. At one point Dan starts adding the day of the week to the entries, to which Mance makes the comment that anyone could look at a calendar... so I did! And the dates and the days of the week don't match up! xωx I know that this is not important and doesn't detract from the story, but it really irked me for some reason xD sorry!

The Three days later section- okay we get a nice frame of reference for time, wich I like. But then we discover that the body is gone. I'm pretty sure the body would have stayed at the crime scene for the absolute minumum amount of time needed for forensics (certainly not three days), then it would have been taken to the morgue for examination. But we find out it hasn't made it to the morgue, that's interesting and creepy, but where was the body the whole time? I thought that maybe it disappeared from the morgue, but it seems implied that it never got there after a long time. Again, not important to the story, and I'm probably just missing something.

In any case, I'm only nitpicking because I do  quite like the story, I swear I'm not trying to bust your chops!

-Nitpicking over-

So, in all, I did enjoy reading this one (twice :D) even though there were some aspects of it that I personally didn't exactly like, or maybe would have done differently myself (But it ain't my story!) And I'm glad that I took the time to give this one a read. Sometimes you have to be patient around here in order to start getting reviews, or you could ask a few regular users on their message walls to read and review a piece if you want to.

Anyhow, Nice work, I liked it :) Sorry for the long-winded comment