Talk:Need For Speed: Most Haunted/@comment-4332975-20130624155953

Heyoooo! Just a [REDACTED] on a computer here, with another critique.

Overall, I think that this comes off pretty good, but there's a few rocky parts. Getting the game for a ridiculous low price is semi-cliché, though to your credit the story doesn't make a big deal out of it. A lot of the meat of the story, though, devolves into more or less just a list of events. Some descriptions are particularly in need of fleshing out, like the wonderfully (not really) vague, "a screamer popped up". Believe it or not, that phrase tells the reader almost nothing about what happened. There are many different screamers out there. Some flash different pictures, some flash a rapid sequence of images, some use different audio. Being more specific will lend a bit of credibility to your story, as, for good or ill, those tend to make an impression. Also, specifically stating that your Sonic game is not a creepypasta version is rather unnecessary.

Finally, while the ending seems a lovely callback to the wiki, it's a bit of a "space flea from nowhere". Which is to say, it isn't foreshadowed by anything. For those of us who get it, it still works on the chuckling "Oh, you..." level. However, in general, it's just a confusing twist that the reader has no reason to be expecting in the first place...but also no reason not to be expecting. This leaves it as merely puzzling, rather than shocking. As I have said in the past, for a surprise ending to work, it has to be a surprise. That means that the reader has to, a) genuinely expect something else, and b) suffer the sudden realization of what the clues have really been leading up to all along.