Talk:The Diary of Angela S. Yorke/@comment-4332975-20160425013355

I'll admit, I skimmed. Part way through, it just stopped holding my interest. The concept is interesting, but there are some major inconsistancies, both in story and concept, that made it hard for me to get immersed. For instance, very early on you say that the titular Angela Yorke was found as a large pile of ash, only later identitfied by teeth. Yet, in the very next sentence, you say they pulled the diary from the hand of a corpse, implying she was not reduced to ashes. Then there's the fact that the ash seems implied to "burn" away everything it touches, but while the cabin was destroyed completely, we are told straight away that only the inside of Angela's apartment was touched. Not to mention that while she was able to use the phone and go to work for several days, her friends seem to have succombed instantly? Also, she tracked the ash onto her carpet, but it didn't seem to affect her car or workplace, or anywhere else she had gone that week? Apologies if some of these would have been explained with a more detailed reading.

Overall, it's by no means a bad story at all. The writing is good. However, I personally find the use of extended elipsies to represent missing sections tacky and immersion-breaking. In a professional police report, which this transcript is presumably meant to be taken from, I don't think they would likely do that. It would probably be something along the lines of [SECTION DESTROYED] or some similar notation...but I acknowledge that's a nitpick. I think, if I were more invested in the story, I would find it easier to overlook the few flaws it has. Though, to be fair, it does rely rather a lot on the "it's magic, I don't have to explain it" trope.

The one final thing I would say is that the opening lines about welcoming constructive criticism and this being your first pasta, etc... should be removed. The former is already implied in the fact that you posted it here. Anyone who is going to leave non-constructive criticism isn't going to care about your feelings to honour your request anyway, and is best left up to us admins. As to the latter, nine times out of ten, saying something is your first pasta is just going to make people criticise it more harshly, since it sounds like you are expecting your writing to be bad, and making excuses.

I don't regret taking a look at this one, though! Hope you keep writing!