Talk:Perfection/@comment-25021327-20150821122916

There was some interesting stuff going on in this one, I think that the idea of someone obsessed with ultimate perfection is neat and works well for a creepypasta. There were some issues here that I think detracted from the experience of reading. Mostly things that I would consider small plot holes.

The boy identifies himself as Joshua, but is referred to a Jonathan by the snake later. I was wondering if maybe the narrator had lied about his name in favor of having a more 'perfect' one, but it wasn;t really addressed. He states that he's going to play along with the therapist to seem normal, but immediately rages and attacks the doctor instead. I had trouble buying that an underage kid could just walk to some store and buy a bunch of gas tanks and matches without raising some suspicion, and also that none of the families in the neighborhood woke up, or escaped when their houses were on fire. There were some other things that felt off, but I won;t get too into that.

There were some spelling and grammar issues here which were a little bit distracting to me while reading, as well as some word and phrasing choices that felt strange to me. (   It took what felt likes hours for me to run away to somewhere far away from it all into a nearby woods the wording there just feels a little clunky to me, but that's just a personal gripe.)   The narration changed at a couple points without warning ("A newscaster says:" and "The warden wasn;t quick enough".) from first person to a more third person style.

Now I know it probably seems like I'm just ripping your story apart, but that is not my intention, and I apologize if it comes across too much that way. I think that the concept here is pretty good, and could definitely be explored in a sp00ky story. The tale of a boy who is unfulfilled with his faily life and struggles to get perfection at any length could make for some engaging reading. That character's slow descent into insanity could be quite engaging. I like the Snake character as either a real being or a figment of the narrator's damaged psyche too.

So I think that there is some potential here, but as it is it felt a little quick and unfocussed to me. Again, I apologize if this review came across too harsh or discouraging.