Hambone.exe

I’m a total fan of True Capitalist Radio, just like everyone else. I liked the newer shows on Blog Talk Radio, but I don’t mind listening to the classics. I don’t think I’ve ever heard glitchy or hacked radio hosts, not that I want to after the experience I had…

It started on a nice carpet munching Monday, I was listening to that day’s radio graffiti (I liked how the trolls made those 9/11 jokes) until I noticed, out of my proverbial vision, that some jerk dick threw something into my window as usual and left. I sifted through the shattered glass and found an 8-inch floppy disk with a post-it note on it. From what I am able to discern from the hand writing, I realized it was from my dear friend George Soros, and this is what he wrote…

“Deray,

Want to win the chance to win a free Ghost plushie, smiling with jizz-stains under its eyes? Try to cram this dumbass disk inside of your ear canal and stick your pinky finger into one of the USB ports on your computer, that ought to do the trick. There is a shitty game you need to play through in order for the aforementioned plush doll whill spontaneously appear right behind you, sitting on your bed… staring right at you…

The Prince of Darkness”

I fallowed the directions on the post-it note, I noticed a file entitled Hambone.exe was installed into my computer. The name of the file reminded me of Ghost’s obsession with butter, since I’m a big... you get the point. After clicking the file, I there where was a blank screen for the amount od time it takes for Ghost to guzzle down a stick of butter before the title screen popped up. With Fuck you Texas playing in the background, I witnessed a blatant rip-off of the first Sonic the hedgehog game for the Sega mega drive, better known as the Sega Genesis due to the religious nature of the united states at that time period as a hang over effect of 1950’s cultural norms. However, the sky had more fluorescent colors, the title emblem resembled goatse, the “Sega 1991” was now “BlogTalkRadio 2016”, and the water turned into Kentucky Fried Chicken Piss. The “Sonic the Hedgehog” was instead “Ghost the Hambone”, Ghost’s original avatar stolen from Third Coast Music Network was even plastered on Sonic’s face. After cutting to black, the save file selection from Sonic the Hedgehog 3 popped up, the background was the rainbow flag, the music was the Money, Success, Fame, Glamor from Felix da Housecat, and there were only two save files. The image for the save files where you see a preview of the level you’re on is just rainbow static for all two files. On the character select, it only showed Herman Cain and Donald Trump; however, I picked Herman “Sugarcane” because the other option was locked.

The Screen stayed black for an amount of time equal to that of a goldfish’s attention span before showing the typical level title thing with the classic sonic games. However, the simplistic shapes were instead tortilla chips and dip, with text reading “Boss N_____”. The screen faded in and the level title vanished revealing Hermae in wherever that 1975 film you should know by know by know took place, whilst said movie’s theme song was playing in the background. I started playing and had what ghost referred to as “My Man” sprinting along the level, noticing a bunch of smacked beer cans scattered around the environment, increasingly prominent as I kept going. After a few more seconds, it got to a point where Herman Cain was literally walking on a sea of empty. As soon as Mr. Cain stopped walking, I saw a spooky scary skeleton wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and a bandanna scarf, just lying there on the ground until Herman Cain was a fraction of an inch away from it. Suddenly, right after staring directly at me, the aforementioned skeleton popped out of my computer screen! A story written by $5000 Rice Paddy