15 Times Whiter than Sperm (Fanfic)

Most people I meet, I only meet once. But others, I tend to keep. Not as friends, but as my own personal property. The name is Billy. Handcuffed Billy. I’m one of the best dominatrixes in the world, despite being male. And this is my story

Part One - Lindenbree

Bree was feeling rather hungry one day, so she decided to have a pizza for dinner. She called up the local pizzeria, and Billy answered the phone in a seductive and deep voice. “Hi. This is Billy’s Bazbears Thick Pizza. How do you want it?” Bree stood in silence for a second, before responding. “Uhh, plain. With cheese.” Billy then responded to her. “Would you like us to do it with some of our world famous meat? Would you like a spicy Mexican… or a hot Italian sausage.” Bree, once more, stood there dumbfounded. “Uhh, I’ll pass. Normal cheese pizza, please.” Then Billy tried once more. “Ma’am. You know we only do it deep.” Bree was starting to get the idea now. “O-Okay then. Whatever you say.” And then Billy responded once more. “Alright. I’ll be coming in 30 minutes. See you then.” Bree then hung up the phone, and waited for her pizza.

When the pizza arrived at the door, Bree opened it, and wasn’t entirely surprised to see the pizza box already opened, with probably the smallest penis she’s ever seen inside. Given Bree’s nature, this isn’t surprising. “Here’s your pizza. With extra sausage.” Billy said.

"Get the fuck off my property.” Bree said. And she slammed the door.

Part 2 - ScarySam

After Billy’s last defeat, he decided to get a bit more comfortable with his own gender. So naturally, he took a 10 hour long plane ride to Ontario and knocked on a Canadian’s door. “Can I help you?” Sam said. The perverted billy smiled, his teeth looking as pissy as ever. “It’s rather cold outside. I was wondering if I could come in and you could… heat me up… Sam was not amused. He closed the door on the creep and locked it. He then went to sit down to play some Metal Gear Rising. He looked up slightly and saw Billy’s face in the window above the television. “How the fuck did you get up there?” Sam said. Billy then knocked on the window before Sam went over to shut the blinds. Billy, still persistent as ever, tried to imitate Santa Claus. But found himself stuck inside the chimney. Sam then looked up the brick structure and immediately wished that he didn’t. Billy had lost his pants on the way down. With no other option left, Sam took a bottle of Kerosene, threw it in the fireplace, and lit it on fire. “You said you wanted to be warmed up, right?” And Billy let out a cry of anguish. But it didn’t last long, as there was a stream of hyper-realistic liquid, 15 times whiter than sperm, coming from above. It doused the fire, and Sam was tempted to relight it. Sam then had a better idea. He then grabbed his father’s rifle and loaded it with a single bullet. He then held the barrel underneath the stream of Billy jizz and let it fill up. When it was finally full, Sam fired the gun, and sent the bullet, along with all of the sperm, up Billy’s ass. “I’m supposed to do that to YOU, dumbass!” Billy shouted. Sam, surprised that he wasn’t already dead, whistled…

“Oh Tu-lo….”

 Part 3 - Urkelbot666

After recovering from the severe blunt force trauma, not to mention Billy’s newfound PTSD whenever he saw a baseball field, Billy decided that he wasn’t giving up yet. He decided to go to a triple X store and get some more equipment. “You know…” Billy said to himself. “I could just get a sex robot.” Billy then smiled to himself as he had another idea. “But why settle for a sex robot when I can get an ACTUAL robot.”

“Cat Puke Team Six, are you ready?!” The robotic mastermind shouted to his team.

“SIR YES SIR!!!” The team yelled in unison. “THEN LET’S GO CLEAN UP THIS CAT VOMIT!”

Commander Urkel responded. “HOO-RAH!” The team was equipped with the latest in cat puke cleanup technology. Kaboom Foamtastic Grenades, Swiffer Sweeper Tactical Knives, and high powered Carpet Steamer Carbine rifles. The team reached enemy territory. “Alright men, we’re in deep shit now. We’re in the land of our enemies, now. Nobody is safe here. But we won’t stop until every dying cat and all of it’s puke has been eradicated!” And the team pressed on through the war zone known only as “Springfield Boulevard.” The team rushed forward, and after what seemed like hours of walking, they finally reached an enemy base. A suburban home. After reports of cat puke that not even the Cat Puke Police could handle, CPTS was sent in.

Their robotic captain was able to kick the door in quite easily, and found their culprit red handed. He was force-feeding a cat mustard, and cat puke was everywhere. Billy was standing there, laughing maniacally. “Mwahahhaaha!!!” Billy said. “Now that I have you right where I want y-” Billy was interrupted as he was tackled by Urkelbot, as the rest of the team went out hot. They set their Power Steamer Carbines to ‘Deep Clean’, and began power spraying the cat puke to smithereens. Billy tried getting up, but then Urkel shoved a Kaboom Foamtastic Grenade in Billy’s mouth and pulled the pin.

“Stop resisting, civilian. Cat Puke Team Six, we’re done here.” Commander Urkel then left the building, the team following suit right before the grenade blew up in Billy’s mouth, cleaning it deeper than his mother ever could. But no matter how clean Billy got, there was always a part of him that was dirty.

Part 4 - Sshakenbakee

Billy was yet again, shaken up after the last experience. It’s not all the time where you get deep cleaned by an explosive cleaning tool. “I might as well do a bit of drugs to take away the pain. But I don’t have any drugs. God dammit.” Then Billy had yet another idea. If he couldn’t buy drugs, he’d make them. “I think you make them by shaking and baking. Whatever the hell that means.” Billy said to himself. He went online and then looked up “Shake and bake.” However, his keyboard was over 30 years old, and some of the keys stuck. He ended up searching “Sshakenbakee.” And Billy was surprised to see more results than zero. He found the address of someone who called themselves “Sshakeandbakee.” “Must be a drug manufacturer!” Billy thought to himself. He then covered up the “Free Candy” sign on the back of his white van with spackle, and drove to the address. When Billy finally arrived at the building, he went inside and saw a 17 year old standing near a window sill, destroying an anthill with a hammer. Billy then asked in the most elegant and sophisticated tone possible. “Yo dawg, where the drugs be at? I gotta get mah smoke on!” Shake looked at the beaten up creep, and glared at him. “Get out of my house. Now.” And Billy replied. “But I need the weed! I need the weed!!! Give it to me you pest!” Shake’s eyes then shattered, and his muscles tensed up.

“Did you just say….. Pest?!” Billy gulped. Shake then took out two fully loaded cans of Raid, and fired at Billy. “Die, hellspawn! DIE!” Shake sprayed the two cans on his blistering baseball bat marks, making them blister up and burst. Billy yelled out in pain, and Shake kicked Billy in the dick, making him explode, but somehow appear back on the ground as the smoke aired out. Shake knelt down and looked at Billy. “Look me in the eyes when you’re killing me.” Billy said, bearing his teeth, which were now 16 times more yellow than piss. Shake’s demonic composure then relaxed, and he said in a calm voice. “Good idea!”

Shake then proceeded to hold the nozzle of the insect repellant to his eyes and spray until the can was empty, screaming “YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, SWAG, SWAG, SWAG, SWAG!”

Part 5 - Commander Alex Vaughn

After losing his sense of sight, Billy decided to relax while he recovered. He decided to down to the beach to blow off some steam. Billy tried to buy a pass to swim with dolphins at a boardwalk. “No, sir. I’m afraid I cannot let you do that.” To which Billy replied with a calm “WHY THE EVERLIVING FUCK NOT?!?!?!” He was then escorted by security guards off of the boardwalk. Billy, depressed and in pain, he saw a sign on the back of a van that said “Free Dolphin Riding.” Having a “Free Candy” Sign on the back of his van, and knowing that Billy was a trustworthy person himself, he trusted the sign and then entered the van. Inside was The Great Commander Alex Vaughn Blood Knight of the Terminator Militia! How did Billy know this? It said so on his “Hello, my name is” sticker he had taped to his vest. Alex kicked Billy out of the van, breaking the doors. “So, you like to rape dolphins, do ya?” Alex said, keeping his boot on Billy’s beaten up chest. “What?! No! I don’t want to rape dolphins, I want to ride one!” Alex’s eyes turned into flames, and glared at Billy so hard that it started burning his hair. “That’s exactly what a dolphin rapist would say!” Billy had nothing to say. Alex then took Billy by the arms, and swung him around and around and flung him into the ocean, where Alex superjumped into the skies, and landed into the ocean gracefully on his dolphin, Ruby. Where the two of them sped off towards Billy. Alex started to rise into the sky, and called forth an army of Dolphins. About 25 of them charged towards the Dolphin rapist. They then proceeded to chew up the body of the rapist, shortly after swirling around Billy’s body, creating a whirlpool around him. Billy was then sucked down into the whirlpool which lead into an underground volcano. He was then shot out of the volcano and landed back into his apartment.

Part 6- SimplyOddest

But to Billy’s surprise, he didn’t in fact land in his own apartment. In reality, it wasn’t Billy’s apartment. He didn’t know this at the time. So when Billy opened up the door to his apartment number, Apt. 666. He was surprised to see one of the oddest things he’s ever seen in his life. It was a black spikey-haired teenager with a blue creature on his lap. Cowgirl style… My kind of party Billy thought to himself. The blue creature was called Marth. He only knew this because the Spikey-Haired teen was whispering his name repeatedly in an erotic fashion. “What the fuck are you doing in our house?” The odd teen said, then making a cat noise. Billy was dumbfounded, he had no clue what to make of this. “Wrong room, I guess.” The odd teen then stood up, clearly pissed off. “You bet your ASS you’re in the wrong room.” The odd team said. Squealing shortly after. Marth and the odd teen chased after Billy, Marth jumping into Billy’s chest and breaking through the wall, the two of them landing on the concrete ground 60 stories below. Marth then whispered in Billy’s ear. “You know what I’m eating for dinner tonight?” Billy gulped, shaking his head. “Ribs.”

“...What?” Billy responded. “Allow me to explain.” Marth said in a calm voice. Marth then proceeded to one by one rip out Billy’s ribs. Marth then threw the ribs back up to the odd teen, who had a grill out, and was starting to cook the human ribs on the freshly lit grill, squealing again. Marth was starting to get pretty annoyed at Billy’s screams of pain and anguish. So Marth decided to remedy this problem by cutting off one of Billy’s hands and bitchslapping him with it until he was subdued. “M-M-MY FUCKING HAND!!!” Billy shouted. Marth wasn’t amused. “Oh, get over it. Here, have this.” Marth then pulled out a hand with hands for its pinkie and thumb, and feet for its middle and ring finger. It also had a face. “Allow me to introduce myself, young lad. I can see that you’re current situation is quite gruesome, but do not fret. For I will not hurt you. My name is Jerry the Hand man. A pleasure to meet you.” Marth had left by then, and was eating Billy’s ribs up on the 666th room.

Billy had a face of pure terror and shock on his face, before uttering his first words to the handman. “……….WHAT THE FU-”

 Part 7 - The End

Billy was nearly at the end of his life, and was in too much pain to go on. He ended up dragging himself all the way to a firearms store. He crawled up the stairs and into the store, where he then purchased a revolver. He went to hold the gun to his head, but then Billy heard a voice. It was heavenly. As if God himself was speaking to him from the heavens. The voice was angelic, calm, soothing, and blissful.

He relished in every microsecond that he heard it. And the words uttered by this divine voice were none other than… “Surprise, motherfucker.” Billy then saw a boot flying at him, and Billy was literally kicked out of the store. His assailant was none other than Sifenchar. “Nobody takes my anal virginity.” He said angrily. Sif then cracked his neck, then his knuckles, then his fingers, then his back, hip, femurs, funnybone, ribs, (All 24 of them), sternum, kneecaps, ankles, feet, wrists, shoulders, and kidneys. Then took 3 steps back before delivering a Sparta Kick to Billy’s head, sending him flying into the street, where he then got hit by a fully loaded, eighty thousand pound tractor trailer! (Now that’s the power of Mighty Putty!)

This also broke every bone in Billy’s body. Just when he thought he could have no more torment, it happened. Billy saw a bright, white light. It seemed to be coming closer to him. Billy was then hit by another truck. He didn’t die, somehow. But there was still hope for Billy. He then crawled, using the last of his energy to crawl over to the handgun, and shoot himself in the head. Bang. The gun didn’t fire. It was a novelty toy. The flag went through the roof of his mouth and out the top of his head, where Billy was then found by a crazy psychopath who ripped off Chuck E. Cheese and stuffed inside of an animatronic suit, where he resided there in torment for the rest of his afterlife. Until FNAF 3, that is. But of course, Billy got the bad ending. And as such, his soul was never put to rest. He lived in perpetual agony forever.

The End.