Talk:Mask and Claw/@comment-7706473-20130409053045

Eh, I'm not feeling it. The format and spelling and grammar are all good - but you see, I don't review for those. I review for content, and this doesn't sit quite well with me for a couple reasons.

One - unless you're working at the hotel, walking up to another person (no matter how annoying they might be) and just blowing up at them sounds a little like the wishful thinking of someone who wanted to do that at some point... And maybe did, but not as eloquently or to as much applause. The line about hoping the parents didn't join in was nice and funny, but this still felt like wish fulfillment - and again, this is the realm of the hotel.

Two - Smacking a little girl? Really? I'm fine with unlikeable characters, but the narrator is so convinced of his own right - excuse, I mean moral fiber - that he doesn't even register his action as wrong beyond the 'couldn't control myself' excuse. The little girl is a prop, and then the narrator addresses the Creepy Middle-Aged Dude, who rewards him for smacking his daughter with a game. Ergh.

Three - The old man didn't actually... Do anything? I'm not certain about this, but at the end he somehow infiltrated the game - but the, what did he do? He mentions taking away the family of the narrator, but we don't here about that. Indeed, the thing closes up with 'well, we brought a priest, so that's all right then'. So I'm guessing that Mr. Failuredemon failed there, too.

Four - It doesn't really strike me as very scary. Again, I came out of this more curious about the man, his mistreated family, and what it must be like for them to live in such a crappy household then any fear that he'd attack or hurt the narrator - or even any real feelings for the narrator and his group at all.

Five - So why was the man and his cartridge affected by the homeroom teacher/priest? Was it demonic? Was the priest just so good at exorcising that he could exorcise ostensibly normal people? All questions unanswered, not that it's bad to leave things unanswered sometimes...

So - I think you have good use of English, you enjoy making non-traditional pastas (always good!) and a keen knowledge of what can make a good pasta. I think you'd probably benefit from focusing more on a different kind of horror than straight-up videogame pasta. Perhaps a frightening story based around this group, where the main characters and their homeroom teacher fall under a curse (or is it)?