Talk:The Fine Line/@comment-25021327-20141026221600

I think this is a pretty well executed story. I found it engaging and concept is neat. I felt that the pacing was a little quick and jumpy, but it seems to work relatively well with the length, and overall feel of the story. It starts off fairly mundane, and quickly builds to a somewhat frantic tone toward the end, which sets up the final line. It revvs you up and then leaves you hanging, but in a good way.

With the pacing, I felt that there were some things that got sort of thrown to the wayside. "Second Life" in look, gameplay, and overall tone is built up to be, well, if you'll pardon the expression; Hyper-realistic ;) But it seems that as soon as the narrator creates his second character, much of that realism is gone. He wantonly commits serious crimes and seems to get away scot-free with no witnesses. Again, after the buildup of the game being so close to real life, it seemed strange and out of place when the character goes into a police station and steals a gun, with no further explanation than that.

There were a couple other times I think a bit more description could have helped, Inthe opening the narrator states that he works at "the legal department" and that's all we know. Again the narrator realizes his character probably needs to eat, so he goes into an apartment building, kills  some people, and then uses a computer...and doesn't eat anything.

I'm probably just too detail oriented, as going into more explanation of some of the things I mentioned would most likely slow the pacing down, which might have been counter-intuitive to the feel for which you were going.

I won't go on and needle the story more than that, because I do like it. If I sound like I'm nitpicking, it is probably because I am, and I'm only doing so because feel that the author is a pretty strong, young writer. I won't get into the ending too much, I'm not always a huge fan of Mindfuck, or twist endings, but I think it works well for this story.

So, in all, good job on this story :) it looks like you've got CPoTM almost in the bag for October (Halloween; double Sp00ky!) I hope that my critique wasn't too nitpicky for anyone who felt inclined to read it.