Talk:Tending/@comment-25021327-20150126003110

There was some stuff in here that I quite liked. Of course hiding from someone is probably one of the most primal and instilled fears in the human psyche, second to fear of the dark, I'd say. Heck, one of the first games we play as children is Hide and Seek, and even as kids, knowing that a friend or loved one the one finding us, we still get that adrenaline, and fear when the seeker approaches. Despite it being one of the most often used elements in horror, it tends to remain powerful, and it is relateable.

This story is rather dark from the onset. Within the span of a few sentences we learn that not only is there an intruder in the house, but he has, without ambiguity, committed heinous infanticide. That's some heavy stuff, almost to the point where I felt it may have been a bit much. But it does change the tone of the story, as we know that even if the narrator gets away, there is no hope for the innocent child. I think that from that point we know the narrator is doomed. I don't think this was done necessarily to be sensational or exploitative, but it feels like it comes pretty close.

The pacing felt pretty consistent to me, and the short length works pretty well here. There was some effort put into the descriptions, and that's a good thing, since the entire story is a play-by-play description of what the narrator sees and hears.

There were some issues here. Most notably, the tense changes from present to past a few times here, and it began to distract me a bit.

'' I sneak into my closet, cowering silently and holding an urge to scream or upchuck in disgust. After a couple of thoughts, I attempted to take action and escape.''

The first sentence is in the present tense, describing things as they are happening, the next is telling things as though they have already been done. It can sometimes be tricky to write consistently in present tense (I don't try it very often XD)

There were a few odd wordings here and there "I glance outside to see his car was parked in the area. Only my minivan was on the driveway and his car was nowhere to be seen" I know what is being implied, but the wording confused me. Maybe it is supposed to read "... to see if his car was parked..." And there may have been one or two other spots, but like I said, nothing really confusing.

In all I think that this is a pretty solid effort, and though the dark tone may turn some off, it definitely has some tension and scares. I was surprised that I found the final line creepy rather than cheesy, so the lead up to it must have worked :3 I appreciate seeing a young writer attempting to expand by writing from the point of the opposite gender, which I felt worked fine. Like I said, there were a few issues for me, but Ithought this was a pretty good piece from you, Sam.