Talk:Freezing/@comment-29502200-20160907044111

ehhhhh-right, review time

Title: It's original, I like it

Intro. Bad, boring, cliche, and un-original. "Here is my name, here's what I do, here's my story..." It doesn't stick out or grab my attention.

Grammar: ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS CREATE A NEW PARAGRAPH, WHEN SOMEONE NEW IS SPEAKING.

The story itself: Reading this was like watching a poorly made horror movie. Bad mistake, after bad mistake, after bad mistake. The cop says "you shouldn't have come back" and we never hear from him ever again. That line holds no value to the story. Do these people not have common sense? Who in their right mind would break into a factory in freezing weather, go into a plane graveyard and fly a broken plain? When you write a creepypasta, it NEEDS to make sense. If you yourself wouldn't do it, the character wouldn't do it.

The Climax: It's alright. I like the sudden realization of "oh shit, i killed my friends." What I dont' like is the gore-porn that comes after. When writing a short story, do not have most of it be gore-porn. It needs to be summarized.

The ending: I like it c: I don't know why but when people recite their title in their story, I really like it c: HOWEVER. For a story like this, the ending 'it was all a dream' doesn't really work.

THE STORY'S BIGGEST MISTAKE. THE STORY'S BIGGEST MISTAKE. THE STORY'S BIGGEST MISTAKE... "I have two plane tickets to America!" ...CANADA IS IN AMERICA. I completely lost the immersian the second I read that line. "United states" not "America." PLEASE change that.

Overall Score: 4/10 - This story CAN and WILL work with some serious revision.