Depression Lingers

Written by AgentVamp, author of Terror Lane Released

''Based upon a true story that occurred in my life and still goes on until this day. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Enjoy!''

Depression Lingers
A tape deck and a tape named "J.B." sat on the private investigator's desk. He scans it from top to bottom with his eyes and smirks at how this technology is still even relevant and working to today's times but hey, It still works. It's more reliable than the wireless or the "in beta" technology of experimentation that would have constant breakdowns. He would prefer the tape deck over the touch screen computers any day but his co-workers couldn't agree less. He was an old fashioned guy. A very patient one at that. But no time to ponder upon that. He had work to do.

The interview earlier today nearly broke the P.I. He hadn't seen such a sad case before but then again, this was his 2nd year into his solo career on his own so he guessed that this was merely a test. If it were this emotionally taxing all the time, he might have to retire early and get psychiatric treatment, but he hoped he wouldn't have to use his life insurance on such a bad career choice.

He grabbed his notepad and set it in front of the tape deck. Writing it down would make it easier to fall back on than the outdated technology of the tape deck. He got the tape and turned it from front to back. An A side and a B side were located on the left of the small strip of paper that stuck on the tape. He took a deep breath, grabbed the pen from his ear and played the tape. A few scratches came about before the actual audio could be heard but then it finally played. The P.I. was angry that his old equipment got damaged in the car accident he had a month earlier but he didn't have time to dwell on it for long. His memory had always played up with him ever since and that's why he was refused many jobs before but he needed this case. He needed this job. Something was special about this one.

The teen spoke as the P.I. began to write in perfect rhythm.

J.B. Case A201-B.

''"It follows me, it shades me, it lingers when I sleep. It's there when I wake up. It never goes away. I feel like it will never go away." "Say your name for the recording please." A female voice said.''

''"I'm Josh." He continued. "For 7 years I have had this dark cloud over me. This haze over my head. It feels like I'm being punished, for a crime I didn't commit... at least, I hope I didn't. I'm 23 years old. This happened at 16. I have my whole life ahead of me for God sake! This consistent, bothersome memory won't go away. I cannot stand it anymore. I need to get it out into the open. Maybe then I can finally move on with my life. I was happy before. How can this stupid thing affect me? That... damn... game! It's only a game! IT'S ONLY A GAME! Why does it inflict upon me in such a horrible way? Why me? Haven't I been punished enough?"''

It all...
 * sigh* *sniff*

The senior detective can hear a puncture of plastic and 2 pills of efexor that were prescribed to him gulped down his throat and a quick skull of a bottle of water quickly restored his flow. Another deep breath continued him on.

"It all started at my grandmother's place. My two cousins were there waiting for my sister, my mum and I to come and show up for dinner. A horrific bushfire had been culminating in Kinglake so they wanted to ease my grandmother's pain and worry by visiting before they executed their fire plan. There was nothing to worry about. The fire department sets these things up for a reason. It was full proof... or so I thought."

"Come inside, darling." "My grandmother called to me as I sat out on her concrete steps, daydreaming."

"Okay nana!" "I replied and I walked back to the wire door to glance outside at the sky once again. It was a beautiful, blue. It coated the sky like fresh paint. The day seemed perfect. Nothing could go wrong. Not today."

""...and then I went up to him and tickled his hips! You shoulda seen him! He was gyrating all over the place it was so funny!""

"My first cousin Jennifer or "Jenny" as we called her was such a bright spark. The sun shone out of her and it radiated positivity. I walked through my nan's kitchen and sat down with my mother, sister, my uncle that lived with my nan and my 2 cousins. Mel, my other cousin, was older than Jenny and she smirked as her younger sister was telling the story and giggling to everyone making them chuckle amongst themselves. "Oh come on, Jen, not that story again." I groaned and whined at her for bringing up such an embarassing moment for me. I'm a terribly shy person so any attention drawn towards me is a no-no in my book. I hated it. I liked being the background guy. An observer if you will."

""Aww, Josh! It was cute!" Jenny giggled and came up and hugged me. I didn't get to greet her earlier because of idle chit chat and I eventually wandered outside to think. What I was thinking about at the time I walked out? Nothing really. A blank thought. Just a whirlpool of emptiness, no worries, no cares in the world. Any guys in your police force I'm sure they can relate to what I'm saying." Jen and I looked at each other and I sighed. She just smiled at me and turned around to continue the story. "You shoulda seen his fa- AY - ce!" Mid way through her sentence, I saw an opportunity to pay her back by jabbing at her hips to tickle her and I did just that. She contorted to the left and looked back at me with a shocked look on her face. I just stood there with my hands behind my back and whistled idly, looking up at the roof. She smiled at me again and laughed."

""Cheeky." she said and poked me in the stomach. "I don't know what you're talking about!" I replied, sarcastically and withheld a cheesy grin on my face, withholding my stomach."

"We both approached the 2 leftover seats and sat down at opposite ends. Honestly, at the time, as much as I loved my cousins, I wanted to go home. The vibe at my nan's house always projected constant worry, depression and anxiety. I wanted to get away from all that and live life blind and happy (if that makes sense), but that day was different. I actually WANTED to stay. In that rickety old house with the creeks in the floor. I wanted this afternoon to never end."

"Anyway, throughout the night we all talked and laughed, sharing stories of the past and the present. They'd brought a plastic bag with them and in it was a present." ""Sorry we can't make it to your birthday, Josh." Mel said with a frown on her face. "It's fine, don't worry." I chimed in. I figured it was an early birthday present so I'd open it early."

"The wrapping paper went flying from side to side as tape and paper residue went everywhere, like a fountain. I turned the box around and there it was. Banjo Kazooie. I had only rented that game on several occasions but only got through 25% of it."

"My face lit up like a Christmas tree. "WOW!" I exclaimed! "Thanks heaps, you guys! Mel, Jen, you two are awesome!" "Glad you like it!" Jenny replied. The two cousins smiled at my face that was as bright as the sun. I had wanted it for AGES... well it felt like ages."

"I grabbed the box and took it to my left hip and tugged on my mother's shoulder. "Mum can we go now? I wanna play with the new present Mel and Jen got me!" I sounded like a little school boy at the time but I didn't care. I got what I wanted. "Alright, alright." My mother exclaimed and after 20 minutes of talking, gossiping, giggling and laughing some more, we were off and home at around 9pm. I couldn't wait and put the game in and turned it on. I had played until midnight when my mother came in the room and told me to go to sleep as I had school tomorrow. I reluctantly said "Awwwww ooookay..."and turned the game off.

"I fell into bed, thinking to myself that Mel and Jen would have reached Kinglake by now and would be getting things organized for the fire plan. I prayed to myself, hoping things went well for them and that we'd all sleep soundly and then slowly closed my eyes and nodded off."''

"Half an hour later my eyes reopened. I checked my clock. I couldn't wait, I had to play more. I got up, closed my door and turned on my tv. I lowered the volume and turned on my N64. I was smiling to myself as I looked with square eyes upon my tv and played on for an hour."

"Suddenly, the hallway lights turned on and I looked to my doorwa-..."

The tape had stopped suddenly. The detective sighed as he was summarizing the story on his notepad."Just getting to the good part too..." He mumbled under his breath and sipped his coffee. He grabbed the tape out of the tape deck and flipped it the other way and pushed it in. The same voice continued on...

"Suddenly, the hallway lights turned on and I looked to my doorway.' "'What's going on?" I thought. "They never got back up on a school night." My sister jumped down stairs and ran out the door. My mother grabbed her coat and turned on my light. "Josh? Oh there you are. Turn that thing off, we gotta go!" I jumped up and got quickly dressed and we followed my sister out the door. As I grabbed my coat I quickly said to my mum who was practically flying around our front door like a humming bird "I'm sorry, Mum. I got excited." ''

''"Never mind that, darling. We got to go." She said, slightly out of breath and we rushed out the bed room door.''"

"As we drove, I yawned and stretched. "Where are we going, Mum?" I asked as we pulled onto the street. "To your nan's. We have to stay there for a little while." She said and not long after, we'd arrived. We were let in the door and my uncle was pacing back and forth, his left fist clenched biting his right hand's nails. My nan was weeping into what looked like an endless supply of tissues. "Wh- what's happening?" I asked. My uncle never kept in his anger like this. I would later learn to regret asking that question".

"For about an hour and a half, my nan and my mum had explained to me that Mel and Jen had followed their fire plan and went to their safe house. The water hose was used for keeping their house cool and wet so the fire wouldn't sweep over the house and burn it down... but... they didn't dampen the whole house and... and... it wiped them out from both sides going inwards, killing them and the owners of the house."

"I was speechless. My mind hadn't fully wrapped around what "them being gone" meant and we drove back home and we went to sleep. I couldn't sleep though. "Killed? What does that even mean?" I mumble to myself. Turning to my right I looked at the N64 console on my shelf. "M-my last present from them?" I thought. I teared up a little and drifted off to sleep from exhaustion."

"The next day, I was at school and lunch time had passed me by. We were heading to my favourite class. I.T. I loved computers and I'm pretty good with them. We had been assigned a project to create our own calculator in Visual Basic. Half way through though, I had a sudden urge to go to the bathroom. Real badly. I asked the teacher if I could go and he nodded. I ran out the door to the bathroom that was about 30 feet to the left. I had sat in one of the stalls for 10 minutes before tearing up.

''I... I felt like I couldn't breathe."''

''"With my pants down and my hands in my face I started sobbing. My stomach was churning with a flood of butterflies and my mind was whizzing at what felt like a million miles an hour. "I c-c-can't cope. I can't do this on my own!" I cried and pulled my pants up and ran to the sick bay."''

"I had told the receptionist how I had felt and she rang my mother to come pick me up. My mum came and we drove home with me explaining how terrible I felt emotionally and mentally. I had felt physically drained. My mother had tear streaks falling down her face. My sister wasn't grieving properly. She was out of school at this point and it hadn't quite "hit her" yet. 'This one event in my life had screwed up a lot more things than I knew."

"This horrible situation had went on for 4 more days, feeling terribly ill at different times of the day, feeling the same way and having to run to the toilet's stalls, running to the sick bay and being taken home early. Those days turned into months. I was failing not just I.T. but every other class at this point. At home I sat at my desk, distressed and emotionally drained and confused."

"My mother came to my room and threw an idea my way. "Josh, I'm not gonna lie to you. You're failing really badly right now. This happened when... 'it' happened right?" I nodded silently, looking at the floor. "Well..." my mother continued. "We could always take you out of school and have you take time off to process things. Maybe get a psychologist or a psychiatrist and... we'll see how we go, alright darling?" she looked at me and wiped the tears slowly coming down from my cheek. I nodded again and sadly turned my way back to my computer to attempt to take my mind off things."

"I'd spent the past few months from then on, dreading to even touch the N64 again... I couldn't bear it. All those memories would just... come flooding back. I-I *sniff* I..."

''A tissue was pulled and a loud horn blared throughout the audio. ''

After a few more nose blowings, sniffs and incoherent sobbing, Josh continued.

"Throughout a couple of years, this had continued. I had finally decided while constantly being at home and away from society to only go on my computer felt like it helped me, I was forgetting to eat Breakfast, Lunch and to only eat dinner. I resorted to chocolate, chips and soda to take the pain away. That was my breakfast and lunch from then on. I ate to help comfort what felt like my own mistake."

"I felt like I could have done something... I could have suggested to them that they stay the night here or at our nan's place until things blew over. I... I could have done... SOMETHING! WHY? WHY COULDN'T I DO ANYTHING?!"

''Loud wailing and sobbing could be heard throughout the recording and pounding on a metal table. ''

''"Josh, please, calm down. They wouldn't want you dealing with your grief in this way. We can get through this but you need to report your side of the story or we won't know and we won't be able to help you!" Female police officer Kate said.''

''"Will you be able to continue or would you like a break?" Female detective Christine chimed in in a calm, collected tone.''

''"No, I..." He paused for a moment and cleared his throat through the phlegm, sweat and emotional pain that built up in his chest.''

"I need this to be out in the open... I- I need to get this off my mind. I'll never be rid of it otherwise."

"So after a couple of years, I had finally gotten the courage to see a psychologist and I got prescribed the Efexor XR in this bag."

A plastic bag can be heard being shook in the air by Josh towards' t'he female detective and police officer, listening intently.

''"Go on..." The female detective said.''

"The only way I could keep my mind off of everything else was video games. They were my escape before but now, I needed them more than ever. I plugged in my N64 and I looked at my cartridge of Banjo Kazooie and flipped it front to back.' "I need to get over this... I will get through this." I said to myself, louder and louder each time to motivate myself." "I will get through this!"

"I shoved it in until that faithful click was heard but then, something odd happened.

I was on Freezeezy Peak, collecting the jiggies (the main collectible you go out to find in the game by the way) and as I collected the jiggy at the Christmas Tree I had felt an overwhelming sense of dread loom over me."

""I wish they were here to enjoy this with me." I said and after about 5 more minutes of playing, I turned it off to get rid of this overwhelming cloud of sadness that had appeared over me."

''"Do you think the game caused that grief because they'd given it to you?" Kate questioned.''

''"I... I really do. I mean how could I not think that?" Josh said and started tearing up again.''

A tissue box and a half later, Josh finally got the encourage to spout full sentences once more and continued.

""The next day, I got out of bed onto my two feet and my knees immediately started shaking. ''"What the hell?" I thought. "Have I forgotten how to walk overnight or something?" I slipped onto my bed and my arms immediately took over and started shaking while my heart started beating faster and faster. Like I was running a marathon. "What the fuck is happening to me?" I screamed as thoughts of suicide whirlpooled around my head. Thoughts of growing old and dying alone, my sister and my mother dying while I live alone and other unrealistic thoughts plagued and swarmed my mind. I could not think straight." My mother came rushing into the room, comforting me and hugging me. I didn't know what was going on, I had little to no control over my body and the pure emotion that poured out of me. I was helpless to rationalize myself or anything else that went on around me. I was scared, and that made it worse."''

"For half an hour my mother comforted me and organized another appointment with my psychologist and he immediately increased my dosage when I went to see him that following week. For a couple of weeks afterwards, things became drastically different. If I had enough sleep and took my medication on time over a 24 hour period, I'd be fine, but if I hadn't had enough rest and/or I had stayed up for too long. My mind would begin racing again. The same feelings would come back, I would lose control of my body and my mind, but one day, I had enough."' 

"I was sick of my own brain and my own body being completely out of my control and so I researched online and scanned through a few videos until I came across an article promoting 'ASMR' for those with anxiety, panic attacks and depression."

''"What is ASMR?" Kate questioned. Detective Christine motioned Kate's attention towards her.''

''"I'll explain. ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. In layman's terms, you hear a sound like finger tapping on the desk, finger tapping on glass, microphone massaging, crinkling of paper, plastic and many other sounds that trigger a tingly sensation in the head or scalp." Christine explained. "It's a way to calm those who live life always tensed up, worried about if and when they have another panic attack which causes a vicious loop that takes a lot of time and energy to get out of. So in essence, your mind is focused on something meaningless that has no consequences and consistent repetition to ease your mind and trigger this ASMR in your head and scalp."''

''"Intriguing..." Kate added and turned her attention back towards Josh. "Go on." She implied with the motion of her hand.''

"I thought to myself after an exhausting two years I had finally found something to help me, but according to the article, I wouldn't ever be able to get rid of my anxiety and panic attacks because it will last for the rest of my life. The only two things I could do was lower the tension pent up in my brain so it doesnt come out as severely and I can deal with it rationally at a lower volume of intensity by doing some breathing exercises or I could do this ASMR thing and give my mind in theory less to think about and to not ponder a horrible future for myself."

"3 more years flew by and I still use ASMR today. I don't get much panic attacks anymore unless I stay up late and don't take my pills on time but I have got it more under control now than I initially did when I discovered my panic attacks. I still grieve for my cousins... My cousin Mel, who I hadn't gotten along with as much as Jen, had depression also. To this day, I wish I could have spent more time with her and relate to her more but there's not much I can do about it now."

"I deal with every day, one day at a time and I create stories out of existing video game universes and expanding worlds, creating adventures to add to existing heroes, anti-heroes or villains to give them more credibility. I work day in and day out to come up with better stories and hope to get hired somewhere someday and see where I go from here. Then I got a call about the anniversary of what they now call Black Friday and police were interviewing the victims and what they heard to honor and treasure the memory of those who'd fallen, and that's when I came here."

''"You're a good kid, Josh. I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that." Christine said and a motion in a wooden chair creaked forward.''

"If you have any more info on this ''incident, we'd greatly appreciate your input, but please take your time and grieve first." She added and a collection of papers could be heard being gathered up and swooped off the table as a door opened. "I hope I don't see you again." Christine said and shut the door behind her. ''

''"Thank you for helping with our investigation." Kate said and a chair could be heard pulling out and the door was opened again. ''

''"No...Thank you." Josh said and closed the door.''

Joshua Black case A-201B closed until further notice.
The recording had finished.

The P.I. scratched his shaved chin and pondered how he would be doing today. To have that never end and to only be able to lower the severity, he couldn't imagine the time and energy it took to get through his ordeal. He closed his notepad and shoved it into his pocket. He grabbed a box and gulped 2 pills down his throat with the last drops of his coffee. He grabbed his mobile and called. A woman's voice picked up on the other end.

"Case name and number please."

"Case A-201B. Name: Joshua Black."

"Any current illnesses that you have we should know about, sir?"

"Crosslinking in left eye, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, amnesia."

"Umm.. are you sure you should be working sir with that amnesia of yours?"

"It's recently acquired, doctors said I'll be fine and it will recover in time."

"Right you are. Send it when ready, sir."

Within a couple of minutes, the case was faxed and sent off to the police station to be archived.

"Oh by the way sir, can we get your occupation please?"

"Private Investigator."

"Ooookay and your name sir?"

"Joshua Black."