Talk:Freezing/@comment-25021327-20160908013446

I thought some parts of this story worked and others didn't. Some of the events were interesting, but the circumstances around them felt a little forced or arbitrary, kind of plot-hole-y. Though, I guess with the way the ending turns out it means that anything could really make sense, but that didn;t make up for what I thought were silly elements.

I like the element of having the group of friends wandering around the frozen, sun-less wasteland that shouldn;t exist in real life, I found that pretty interesting. But the way we got there felt kind of forced and silly to me. They decide that they want to explore an abandoned "Manufacturing factory" (just a nitpick, that reads a little redundantly to me), which I think is awesome. I love exploring abandoned structures. But then they decide to fly aircraft that have been sitting for god-knows-how-long in a vehicle graveyard? How did they intend to land? Was there an airstrip or something? Why was there fuel in it? They brought "survival kits," but what was in them? Anything useful at all? I guess these are chalked up to it being a dream.

One thing I wanted to touch on was some of the sentence structure in this one. Some of it gets kind of repetitive at times

''  About halfway down the road we heard a muffled bang and a saw a slight glimpse of light. We sped all the way home. We made it to my parents house. We surprised them and made their Christmas! We had a little party and stayed the night. ''

Those sentences are more or less all "We did this, we did this, we did this." Mixing up the structure will make it read a little more easily, I think.

The first ending was pretty well telegraphed, but that's not a bad thing. I feel like the story kind of turns sharply though and goes into graphic detail about bodily injury, and it's done in a totally straight way. I think that the finale would have worked better if it were done a little more surreally. It starts off kind of cool with him seeing the trees with circulatory systems and stuff, but then it goes right into detailed descriptions of gore. He sewed people together? He moved body parts around? I feel like that stuff would work better if it wasn;t done as much like a laundry list of gore descriptions. Maybe have some more inner monologue or something.

Anyway, sorry that this turned out to be such a long review. I really don;t inted to bash your story or be discouraging. I feel like there are some good things going on here :) I think that this one could probably benefit from a few revisions as well as the dialogue formatting Kaptain mentioned.