Collect for Christ

Everyone has their own unique collection don't they? People have had collections of lost episodes, drawings, rare VHS tapes, some even collect devices made purely from sticks. I of course, am not exempt from this. My collection involves all sorts of crucifixes ranging from the simple wooden ones to the complexly designed silver ones. I even have some rarities that would make most rich people foam at the teeth with envy.

This collection of mine has not gone unnoticed. Everyone, from my mother to my recent lover have known. Most people just accepted it and even gave me additions on my birthday but I've always gotten that one dirty look. The look that screams: "You're fucking weird, you know that?"

Whenever I got those looks, concern would fill my body. Why should they give a shit if I collect crucifixes? However since I'm not the type of person who just lets this slide, I always set up a sort of lunch hangout at my apartment. They'd come over, stuff would be discussed, the hangout would end rather shortly, and I'd move on with my life.

In fact, it happened again this week. I was setting up my apartment early in the morning on Saturday for my guest when I received a call on my phone. Answering the phone was a very sleep deprived voice that belonged to one Angelica Princeton.

"Hey Jake." She yawned out, seemingly getting up out of her bed while we were talking.

"Well, if ain't my lunch date. What's up? Don't tell me you're cancelling."

"No, I'm coming. There'd better a damn good feast there too, making me come to your apartment just 'cause you wanna talk about your cross fetish."

That got a laugh out of me if only because of my experience with events like this.

"Well, you agreed to come over missy. Besides what's wrong with collecting for Christ?"

I could almost picture her smiling as she then told me she'll be over in an hour. Hanging up the phone made me remember that my lunch was in the oven. I went to my small kitchen to check up on my little Italian feast and was relieved to see nothing overcooking.

As the hour passed, I made sure all of the crucifixes were lined perfectly on the wall. I always found that having my collection up and front would have this conversation about my collection end faster. I then put the two glasses of water next to our food, making it neat and orderly.

The doorbell rang and I went to answer it. Outside was Angelica in all of her preppy, nicely dressed, pale skinned, snobbish glory. I threw her a smile and told her to come in. She walked in and eyed me hungrily, she obviously couldn't wait to eat.

Of course once she saw my entire living room she stopped. I looked at her eyes, her face that showed she was truly unnerved.

"What's wrong?" I asked, letting my smug side show a little. "I told I like to collect for Christ, what's wrong with me owning a few crosses?"

"But," She stammered, "But, This is 'waaay' too many croses dude. It's like a fucking obsession."

"Oh, it's not that bad." I said, pulling a crucifix off of one of the walls. "Here, have one."

As soon as I threw at her, it's like she become paralyzed from the bottom as she fell to the floor. I then walked to her and bent down. Angelica had a crucifix shaped wound on her that was blistering, bleeding, making her skin rot.

"Oh no," I said rather calmly, quickly grabbing her glass of water. "Maybe this'll help you Angelica."

I then poured it on the wound which made it bleed even more.

"AAUGH! THAT MY WOUND EVEN BIGGER YOU FUCKWIT!"

"Yeah," I said, drinking from my own cup, "Water endorsed by Catholic priests tend to do that."

I then noticed her entire body decaying into a hideous black as I stood up. I started walking to the kitchen before she called me back.

"Before you finish me off," she said, "How did you know?"

"It was mostly suspicion at first, but most normal guests don't burn in flames like a goddamn vampire."

I then went to my kitchen to get my disposal equipment.