Talk:For, Sandra/@comment-17737991-20130907231238

Well, there's some very minor suggestions I have for the wording.

"I remember the feel of the warm summer breeze and the fact that you had left and gone somewhere, though. You weren’t dead, though..."

You put "though" pretty close together in these two sentences. Perhaps you should use "however" or "but" or something instead of using "though" twice.

"I tried to reach out, but my brittle bones couldn’t take it and my arms lye silent on the ground."

"lye" is a typo. If you fix it, make sure it's past tense ^^

Like I said, those are quite minor and aren't really /that/ important. I have other wording nitpicks but I won't go on about them unless you want me to. Anyway, onto the story!

I'm curious about these realms he travelled to searching for a dead person. He believes she is somewhere better, so where did he go to find this place? Unless it's a metaphor or something. Also, the story has some decent descriptions but I think more adjectives are in order :3 For example, "I ran through so many shades of darkness to find you". Well, I assume darkness is unpleasant but I think adding more detail would be beneficial. Describe how despite the agonizingly lonely darkness, its intense emptiness, the cold feelings of failure, he forced his way through as fast as he could, stumbling blindly all the while losing his will to go on, because Sandra is so amazing and yadda yadda. Those kinds of feelings go without saying of course, we can clearly tell he's desperate. But sometimes saying such things anyway can add more emotion.

I don't want to rate this because it's a work in progress x.x But if I must... 6.9/10 I suppose. It is quite interestering, but as you said, it needs to be expanded a bit. I'm no expert at this critique stuff though so take these opinions lightly ^^'