Talk:Undertale - No Mercy (Revised)/@comment-29502200-20160907040012/@comment-29502200-20160907041658

Really the only thing I can say is, it feels like you copy/pasted the actual story, and made it into a creepypasta. I think it's because I played the game and I know exactly what happens in the genocide route, it ruins the story for me.

If you were to do this again what I would recommend is: less about the game itself, and more about the characters, and the person playing the game. Don't let the game steal the story, let it be a subcategory of the story. Let the person playing the game, let his emotions and feelings run the story.

An example would be when you kill pupyrus. Talk about how interesting and great of a person he is. How you went on a date with him, how he introduced you to undyne. How him and his brother reminds you with your brother. Etc. etc. etc. All the fun moments you had in the game hanging out with him, and then *BAM* he's dead in an instant. You didn't kill an NPC named pupyrus, you killed the one entity that was missing from your life. You killed the one person who would never stab you in the back. You killed something you can relate to more than anything else. You killed someone who had flaws, but he accepted his flaws; and, bettered his life because of them. You killed yourself.

If you added into the story something that would tear the readers heart apart, that would improve the story.