Talk:Cold Water/@comment-8470110-20150531183729

This was a pretty interesting story. It took a look into the mind of a suicidal person and you made something good out of it. However, there were a few things that can be fixed.

There are quite a few grammatical and spelling errors that I found in this story. These are easy to fix so I'd recommend fixing them as soon as you can. It didn't detract from the story much but it is a bit distracting. But that is only a minor point and issue.

The main issue I have with this story is the pacing of it all. It felt very clunky and disjointed, as if we were constantly jumping from one timeline to another. While I can appreciate the thought of that idea, it didn't work too well in this case. Perhaps go back and see how you can connect the paragraphs a little better so the reader doesn't feel like they missed something.

Despite those critiques, I do feel like there is a lot of potential in this story. The detail is excellent, you connect with the character and you want things to work out in the end. I want to enjoy this story a lot but because of what I said previously, I can't as much as I want to. If you go back and edit the mistakes and connect your ideas in each paragraph better, this story can be great. If you need any help, ask either myself, the other NUAs or another admin. I wish you the best of luck!

Rating: 5/10

-Cameron (Sshakenbakee, Head New User Advisor)