Thread:Sshakenbakee/@comment-25478504-20141002004427/@comment-8470110-20141002011321

It felt cliché, to say the least. Half-way through, I knew exactly what direction it was going to go. Had the story taken more time to build up and establish the friendship between our two main characters, that would have helped it greatly.

There are some places where the grammar was incorrect so if you look through it closely one last time, you'll find them all. I only noticed one or two instinces but it's best to have consistent and proper grammar.

Maybe it's because I've seen the concept of the game having real life consequences and cause pain and/or death in many other Creepypastas and the web-series TOME that made the story predictable. It's perfectly fine to go there and such but try to seperate yourself from that group in a good way. Maybe have their friendship shown throughout the course of a few days or so, maybe longer if you wish. Maybe have them slowly realize the game hurts them and could kill them so they try to quit the game, only to have it so you can't exit the game unless someone loses. Doing something to create an atmosphere and some tension will raise the story's rating to something along the lines of 8/10 instead of the 4/10 I'm giving it now.

Hopefully this helps with making this story better and your future projects a great success. I want to see new users improve on this site and you're no exception. If you ever need more help, let me know. I'm excited to see what you come up with, my friend. Best of luck!