Talk:Kingdom Hearts: Youlose/@comment-11545147-20130705225552

Hey I just came across your creepypasta and I say it's okay to get yourself dirty with your first creepypasta. One thing I can say though if you know something is a cliche then it's best to avoid it until you feel comfortable with it and if it actually brings something to a story, rather then saying 'it's a cliche'. Have some faith in your story and even when you talk about, it's all about selling yourself in the most positive way.

Now onto the grammar. Believe me when I say I am no expert but at least some tips coming from someone who struggles with it. Always read things aloud. As if you're talking with your friend and you'll start to notice some sentences that might sound funny. If that happens it's probably a sign that you should fix it. Also when you refer to yourself always always capitalize, it's I not i, it makes it seem very sloppy. I'll stop there as I'm not an English teacher and won't pretend that I am, just that you do need fine tweaking and really re-read everything!

Story wise, as you said is full of cliches, down to the character in question not being phased by his ps2 loading up right and showing red. Trying to justify doesn't truly help. Try making him turn off his console and over a period of time make him drawn to go back. Or something of that nature, it's all progression and how you show this character progressing into this 'haunted' game. As well the ending gave me no emotion as who is this odd guy you throw at us? It's not really fair to reader to do this and it just ends with people scratching their heads to this new character.

Well that was my view of your pasta and I hope that you continue to write more! Nothing is wrong with writing and making mistakes your first time around.