Talk:Trying to Sleep/@comment-24609807-20140813042921

Two words: Wasted. and Potential. The first line caught my attention, as a creepy pasta that's based on a mental disorder such as insomnia with other things like schizophrenia factored in could turn out to be something that draws the reader in, and leave a mark. The opening sentences of the second paragraph aren't really necessary, as they serve no purpose and could easily be taken out without affecting the rest of the story. You should rewrite it entirely but keep the concept and plot. Or scrap the entire thing and keep the concept. Perhaps throw in a twist, like the creature being a product of sleep deprivation. Also, give some of the characters more.. welll.. character. For example, when I was 10, I don't think either of my parents would believe me if I were to say a lizard kidnapped one of my friends at 5 AM. That's another thing you should draw out more if you do decide to keep this story and just rewrite it, build upon it more. Give more reactions from the other kids, have the parents show a bit of denial. Also, make the creature a bit more vague and slowly feed the reader details about it, and even more sensory details. Like what its skin felt like, how it smelled, etc. You should also try to use proper contractions, I noticed most of the "it's" should be "its" and the "your" should be "you're". This is just supposed to be a bit of criticism and if you decide to take my advice is entirely up to you.