Talk:Metroid: Mother?/@comment-1196539-20140711044115

(I know I mentioned all this in correspondence but I figured I'd post it here, too, because more comments never hurts)

Quite a good pasta in concept, and certainly a worthy contender for CPotM. Images look pretty good and definitely help the pasta. It might have been more immersive if they had been portrayed as screenshots and not recreations, but given that the whole story was about the game being played on an NES, that's not really plausible (also bear in mind that I've never played any Metroid games). There were a handful of grammar goofs I think could be fixed, but Mutahar himself doesn't really pay much mind to those.

The only thing I really found jarring was the ending. I think it might benefit from some tweaking to cut down on the number of elipses (...) and maybe make the main character's coming out of her haze and remembering what she had gone to the clinic for a bit more gradual. It's a rather sudden switch, when she starts speaking in broken sentences, as if she were under the effects of the anesthesia again when, at that point, if anything, the effects would have worn off to a point that they'd be weaker than when she was playing the game.