Talk:Happiness Is.../@comment-25021327-20150603005416

Well, hmmm... I thought that this started off with some promise. The writing feels competant, the spelling and grammar are fine, and the clarity is good. The story felt somehow familiar when I started reading it. Some average teen angst (Which can work) turning into a story of mental breakdown likely accellerated by medications.

The longer this one went, the less interested I became. I guess I thought there might be more to it since it started out with a bit of strength. By the end I was almost cringing at some of what was happening, and the writing. The pace ramps way up toward the end, to the point of feeling a bit ludicrous to me.

We've got the kid who pretty much loses it, kills his folks and then himself. Okay, feels a little stale to me, but it's passable. Then we have the logbook entries which seem to raise more questions than answers. The only information they provide is that this was some kind of experiment. That;s practically it. We don;t really know the nature of the experiment, what is supposed to happen, why it is happening, why the parents are allowing their son to be given these drugs without knowing what the outcome may be. The narrator doesn't seem like he is mentally unstable enough beforehand to warrant some kind of experimental treatment.

What was the purpose of the experiment? The log makes it seem like the subject losing his rationality is a good thing, a desired outcome. Somehow he is "easier to control." I guess that is what the experiment is trying to achieve? But then, they aren;t getting the desired result? Okay, so they switch to a drug that makes the kid crazy? Leading him to kill his parents and himself... are there any other test subjects? Were there animal subjects? Did the test go wrong because the narrator had prior psychosis? I quite like when things are left vague, or up to the reader to decipher, but I felt like there were a lot of unanswered questions.

I would have been more willing to let all these go, except for the ending to the story. "You're Next!" "I might already be there!" These just feel really silly, and out of the tone of the rest of the story. "You're Next" always feels silly to me, and not scary.

I'm sorry, I really kind of went off on this one. I really didn't mean to bash your story. Like I said, I feel like there is some potential in the writing here. The story felt stale to me, and the execution seemed like maybe it needed a little more time and thought put into it. Again, I'm sorry if this seems like a harsh critique.