Talk:Majestic's Game/@comment-7706473-20130721085241

An interesting and unusual take, and I'm tempted to praise it just for that - but there are a lot of little things that got to me. I'm going to go with what I felt was less compelling in the story, and move on from there.

There is a lot of little detailwork that doesn't go anywhere; that seems to get bogged down or simply is never mentioned again. A lot of time is devoted to mentioning the 'race' of various characters whom never appear more then once or twice. We're supposed to be surprised Vincent, or V-Sense is a white rapper, but the name Vincent is supposed to give away his ethnicity. Huh. Setpieces are described with relative detail and attention, and then never mentioned again; this can range from areas to characters.

Rapping-wise, though I'm only an amateur myself, hmn... ; ) I couldn't really buy it as being good or bad without a beat to back it up. Lyrically, it came off as a bit too formulaic, though I tend not rhyme so much and instead just insult people. Really, I like using rapping and poetry as a cover to insulting people. I think most people do. Just because I can't call them good doesn't mean they were bad, however; and they certainly lent themselves to the atmosphere.

None of the characters really stood out, besides perhaps the Autumn Haired Man. As someone who is very fond of Autumn myself, I rather like this fellow. What a nice individual, handing out gifts like that... As for the protaganists, even after immediately reading it, all I remember of V-Sense is his nickname and that he worked at a dead-end industrial job.

But the idea is really unique, and the writing (despite feeling a bit prosiac) is solid, without textwalls or lack of paragraphs. Points just for that. I wasn't really scared all the way through, due perhaps to rooting for the 'villain', but then, I'm a horrible person! Heh. The stylistic choices were solid, the length was just right (though I might trim some of the 'rise-to-fame' scenes, perhaps), and the ending might be stupendously creepy to some. Also, fantastic job on not making it too clear exactly what the AHM actually is. Nothing is scarier then ambiguity.

An Eremurus, for diligence and attention to detail as well as a sincere desire to think outside the box and the effort to do so.