Happiness Is...

“What have I become…”

I ask myself this in my final waking moments for soon, I shall be no more. Here, on this god forsaken fucking role of toilet paper I write my story. Not much of a way to go, but here in my final hour, I feel the need to let the world know of what has become of me, should anyone find this and…not think it to be simple trash and throw it away. That is…if any of this is real…

It all started a few years ago. You see, I Had begun hearing voices. Or, more specifically, whispers.

I was an ordinary child, nothing wrong mental or physical. My parents tell me that I was a little…underweight I believe it was? Not that you, the reader, even care but hey, it’s already there and I can’t un-write it so there. Anyways, other than that, I was ordinary. I developed at an average rate. Even now I’m average height, average weight, average average….average…just like every other fucking teenager, always a nobody, a ghost, I never stood out or acted out, always did as told, even my fucking school grades were average. Does that sound like a bad person to you? An…evil person to you? The devil even? Who the fuck even knows…

It wasn’t till I was fifteen when things became…other than average… This is when the whispers I wrote about above came into play. At first…it was nothing more that mild thought;

“Wow, she’s hot huh?”

“What an ass that guy is, right?”

“Ms Makinstein is so hot!”

Nothing out of the ordinary. All just normal thoughts for me…but…the weird thing? They never seemed like…never seemed like they were just in my head. A few times I’d turn around to see no one there. Creepy right? No? Maybe not...

Eventually I told my parents. My parents…they were always loving and oh so caring, always loving, always looking out for me.

My parents…they told me to see that doctor more often. Before everything started, I had seen him a few times. I never liked him, something about him was always…off…

On my sixteenth birthday, things started to change. For a while after seeing the doctor, I hadn't heard anything, but…that day he started me out on this new “medication”. I didn’t trust them, but my parents told me that I should take them for my own well being, and I didn’t want to make them worry so as usual, I did as I was told.

You remember the whispers I talked about earlier? They came back but…they were different…not like whispers but full words, louder, more precise and less trivial, more…angry;

“Are you just going to take that?”

“How can a teacher fail you if they can’t even work. What if they had an ‘accident’?”

“Did that bitch just ignore you? You won’t take that will you?”

Four months later, something weird happened. Or, that’s what I’m told anyways. I blacked out one day at school and…when I woke up…I was in the back of a cop car and my hands were…covered in blood. I was scared, my mind raced; “what happened?!” was the first thought that came to mind. I soon found out just what HAD happened. One of the residential jerks bumped into me in the hall, according to students around he actually apologized, but next thing anyone knew I just…snapped…literally. I broke both his arms and beat him to a bloody pulp. I yelled out how I didn’t remember any of it, but needless to say that no one believed me, and also needless to say I was fucking suspended. I started seeing the doc more and more. They hooked me up to machines and studied my brain, he gave me different meds, and with each one the whispers…not…the talking changed ever so slightly, sometimes the voice changed, sometimes it got louder or softer, but it was always angry.

One day…three weeks ago…was my last appointment. I got this…shot…ya a shot. After that the doc gave me meds and told me to take them…once a day…

I…its…maddening. Each day it got worse… I began cowering in my room… It, no, HE, was screaming at me…the voice…it hurts… I’d lash out at anyone that came near me. Even…my own mother.

“Kill them.”

“Kill them.”

Kill them!”

“Kill them!!”

“KILL THEM!!!”

“KILL THEM ALL!!!!”

And…I did it. And you know what? It felt…amazing. I went into the kitchen. I grabbed a knife, and I stabbed my own mother. She screamed and cried and I loved it. Her blood was thrown everywhere, all over my hands, all over the flood, but I loved that even more. Her insides became outsides. It was…beautiful… And you know what I did next? I smiled…for the first time in so long and I didn’t even know why. Do you know why? Cause I stopped resisting the voice that told me what to do. The whole time I thought it to be some evil entity, but all along it was just trying to tell me how to be happy! So when my father came in, I did the same to him just so I could feel that amazing feeling again! I killed them. And…I loved it…

So here I am not writing this all down on a role of toilet paper covering in my own parents blood.

“What have I become…”

The answer? Something amazing. You see, when we just give into that voice in the back of our heads that we dismiss as evil, only then can we be truly happy. Now, I must finish this up. I’m about to hang myself…just like that voice is telling me to do.

Lab 1537

Date: xx/xx/xxxx

Audio log #1

“Today I met the subject. Subject 5347. He seems average and of not physical or mental abnormalities. His parents have agreed to have him partake in the experiment in exchange for the money we offered. Starting today the experiment shall begin. I hope for the best.”

Lab 1537

Date: xx/xx/xxxx

Audio log #5

“Subject 5347 seems to be reacting well to the drugs his parents have been regularly  sneaking into his food and drink. The symptoms seem to be developing somewhat slow but not slow enough for concern. Experiment shall continue as planed till further notice.”

Lab 1537

Date: xx/xx/xxxx

Audio log #15

“The higher ups have begun breathing down my neck over the slow progress of Subject 5347. I shall begin having him take heavier dosage of the drug in order to hopefully seed up the effects.”

Lab 1537

Date: xx/xx/xxxx

Audio log #21

“I have once again decided to up Subject 5347’s drugs in hopes of speeding up the experiment further for fear of being shut down.”

Lab 1537

Date: xx/xx/xxxx

Audio log #24

“Subject 5347 seems to be giving into the drugs, losing his consciousness and rationality. Further observation is needed.”

Lab 1537

Date: xx/xx/xxxx

Audio log #27

“Subject 5347 seems to be resisting the drugs once again. The organization may shut us down if we don’t soon show results. We have decided on administering drug-X into the subject without further testing it in hopes the subject may be more easily controlled, as well we have decided to give the subject a new version of the previous drug that should as well make him more easy to control.”

Lab 1537

Date: xx/xx/xxxx

Audio log #29

“The combination of drug-X and the new drug seemed to have an adverse effect. Although the subject seems to have shown a complete loss of self, he has also become unable to control and much more volatile. If things continue in such a way, we shall have to dispose of Subject 5347.”

Lab 1537

Date: xx/xx/xxxx

Audio log #30

“Subject 5347 had become completely uncontrollable. Our secret unit moved in for disposal however, when they got there, he had already killed both his parents and hung himself. Subjects corpse shall be moved to the “burning chamber” for complete disposal, apon after we have been ordered to shut down all further operations due to our failure.”

Lab 1537

Date: xx/xx/xxxx

Audio log #31

“Subject 5347’s body seems to have gone missing and dead bodies of the disposal unit have been found in that area. The lab is on full lock down until further notice.”

Lab 1537

Date: xx/xx/xxxx

Audio log #32

“I’m back~! And…guess what? Did you guess? Ya…you’re next… In fact, I’m already there, standing right behind you… Hehe…”