Talk:Why Me? (Five Night's At Freddy's Creepypasta)/@comment-26218682-20150323223524

Build Up/Creepy Factor:

The build up isn't great. It's not terrible, but it's not great.

Was this creepy? Eh...a little. The build up is what really detracted from it and the climax of the story was lacking a bit in description. I feel like the party could have drug on a little longer as well, building anticipation. Maybe have some of the parents mentioning a man in a purple sweater lingering around kids...Idk something like that.

Writing Style/Overall Feel:

Some sentences were off-putting and felt like after thoughts:

I.e. "I also thought about my four friends that were coming." and "Nothing really important happened"

It kinda took me out of the story a little because they just felt like they shouldn't be there.

Suggestion instead of "Nothing really important happened": something like "That night, I was so excited I could barely sleep" or something along those lines would lead nicely into the next paragraph.

Suggestion instead of "I also thought about...": Mention it earlier in the story off-handedly. Even something as simple as slipping it into the dialogue. The main character could say "Do I get to invite (Insert 4 names here)?" Have the parents respond "Yes" and then proceed with the excitement.

Spelling/Grammar

As far as spelling and grammar goes, it was just minor, common mistakes.

Grammar was pretty good as well, although:

Your - Shows possession. (i.e. "Your creepypasta is decent")

You're - Short for "You are". (i.e. "You're decent at writing creepypastas")

Concept:

Look, it's not a bad concept. I actually quite liked the way it was written for the most part. It's certainly not trash. Is FNAF pastas played out? Yes. The concept was enough for me to get done reading it and not feel as though I wasted my time reading it, though.

Overall:

Build up/Creepy Factor: 3/10

Build up needed to be expanded upon. There just wasn't enough time to feel creeped out. You'll start to learn what concepts need to be fleshed out a little more and what concepts can be written quickly like this one. Just do what the concept needs, let the story guide you, don't rush it.

Writing Style/Overall Feel: 5/10

Your styling isn't poor. The overall mood was just thrown with those sentences that seemed out of place and the pacing could be more consistent throughout.

Spelling/Grammar: 6/10

This is where you start to win a few points back with me. Was it perfect? No, but it is leaps and bounds ahead of a lot of the creepypastas I've read on here.

Concept: 5/10

I also quite liked the concept. The only reason you didn't get a 6 out of 10 in this category is because I kind of feel like you shit on the concept by not extrapolating it further.

 Final Score: 

5.0/10

There just wasn't enough here to get you the 7/10 that this concept could have brought you if fleshed out the details a little more and cleaned up the mistakes.