Talk:Loss of Memory (Rewritten)/@comment-25021327-20150316232815

This reads like a pretty standard Zombie-Apocalypse/Last-Man-on-Earth type story. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, and I usually enjoy stories that take place in abandoned places. I think the atmosphere here was pretty good, and there was some good effort put into the descriptions. The pacing feels a bit rushed in places, but it isn;t a terribly long story, so I iagine you wanted to keep the tempo of the story up, so thats not a huge deal for me.

The main issue I had reading this wasn't in the plot or anything like that, it was more with the execution. Some of the wordings feel a little odd to me things like ''" I pried open the door, it was almost impossible to get it open I finally got the door open." '' read rather redundantly. Another things that I found a bit distracting while reading was that the tense seems to shift between present and past;

"    I felt like I was dead my whole body throbb ed with each move I make, I go into the kitchen and flipp ed the sink on and chugg ed the water straight from the sink" 

The tense in that bit goes from past, to present, then back to past, and it seems to happen throughout the pasta. I find it difficult sometimes to write in the present tense, and when I do, I sometimes find myself accidentally slipping back into the past tense, which seems to come more naturally. Maybe take a pass through this and make sure everything is in past tense (the majority is).

A couple other things I thought I'd just mention, The story seems to currently be, well... copied and pasted within itself. I was reading through and got to the line "  I leaned against the wall waiting to"   and then it seems to start over again. I imagine this happened when you were making some format edits, but I thought I'd mention it. One more thing (sorry to be nitpicky!) but the woman seems to sometimes be referred to as a wife, and other times as a girlfriend.

Anyway, sorry if it sounds like I'm bashing the story, as I pretty much did enjoy reading it. I don't intend to sound discouraging, and I like that you continue to write and continue to want to improve! I think that with some style and clarity tweaks this one would read a little better better :)