Talk:April 12th Mind Story/@comment-25129966-20140712055440

Extremely, extremely well done pasta.

The length seems to be a common complaint, but it's hard to develop a mind-fuck like this without having quite a bit of development put in. About the only thing I could recommend is maybe cutting a bit of the fat, but it's pretty lean as is.

About half-way I sort of guessed the ending correctly, but I was never entirely sure if I knew it or not. I think a lot had to do with the pictures and physical contact. It sort of felt like it was cheating but I think it was needed to make it come across as cliche. The Sixth Sense (movie) does it fairly well in a way that's a bit more surprising but this is a excellent effort. It's good foreshadowing throughout the story, and you can tell that it was wrote with this plot point in mind.

I would cut out the "cause of diagnosis" line from the end. That's a situation that's better shown, not told and I didn't see it at all through the story of anything particularly "abusive" other than just general parents. If you were going to turn this into a full-fledge story, I'd definitely add some points in where he doesn't function with 'normal' people at all as sort of a catalyst for why she came to exist in the first place. That would probably be a better explination.

Overall though, there isn't much I would say other than amazing. Definitely 9.5/10