Talk:My Average Day/@comment-6794436-20150526213323

Damn, I really didn't think it would end like that... Well, I knew it would, but I really didn't think you would actually end it like that...

Good: There was a lot of good in this piece. The grammar was great, with there not being any mistakes with the exceptions of a few minor typos. The pasta was also written great, and your extensive vocabulary really shined here. The pasta flowed really well, mostly because of the way it was written, and I could really imagine the events that were occurring. The majority of the changes to the source material that you made really worked, and they didn't detract from the story at all.

Bad: Sadly, there were quite a few problems with this pasta. For one thing, this really isn't creepy at all. In a pasta like this, the mindfuck would have to carry it, but sadly, I don't think it did. I knew what the pasta was going to be about from the first few paragraphs, which really ruined the experience for me and made this pasta quite boring. However, I will admit that I didn't think you'd actually make a SpongeBob mindfuck, but that didn't mean that I didn't have suspicions from the start. Like I said, the pasta was quite boring, and there was a lot of excess information and scenes in this that really were pointless to the overall story. My other main gripe with this is the pointless romance. The romance between the narrator and his neighbor really didn't need to be executed the way it was. You could've mentioned it once or twice and left it at that, while still making the same outcome in the story, just a bit creepier. Instead of the narrator attempting molestation with his crush, you could've made him get so pissed at his boss, teacher, and life that during the driving test he attempts to end his life by driving into his workplace, killing him, his teacher, and his boss. That could've added a much needed dosage of creepiness while still leading up to the same mindfuck. Also, I've seen a plot similar to this done before, just condensed drastically and without the romantic subplots.

Verdict: 5.5/10- There was some good to this pasta, but that was really just because of how you wrote it. This really wasn't very creepy, it was quite boring once you figured out the twist, (Which happened for me very early on) and it really had a lot of excess info/scenes that really weren't needed.

-Incorrect3