Talk:Super Mario 1--Super Extended/@comment-25021327-20160926032412

Okay, so... I just finished the World-1 section. I want to say that I think that the writing is competant and the style is fine. Descriptions are pretty good as well. However, everything that is happening is striking sour notes with me. The setup with the raffle of the rare/unique game cart is okay, it feels original and it's not the old, found at a garage sale thing.

But other than that, this one is so far reading like a laundry list of haunted game creppypasta clichés, granted, they are still subtle at this early poiint in the story, but they are all certainly there. Firstly, the Game maker has met with an unfortunate accident. There's no need to assert that this isn't some "cursed game" or "Haunted cart" story, I feel that gives the narrator an unpleasant, almost arrogant tone. Like saying, "This story isn't like all those others! This one is really good!" It especially stands out when what follows includes dark, depressing game backgrounds, slowed down or sped up music that sounds disturbing, enemy sprites with angry faces, black eyes with red pupils, and the game knowing the player's name. These are all things that I've seen many, many times before, and being the jaded, and crotchety old creepypasta reader I am, these all just rub me the wrong way.

I won;t say that they can;t work, but to lay all that on the reader in the first chapter is a little much, in my opinion. I am going to read further into the story. Like I said, the writing seems pretty good, and I want to give it a chance, and there might be a big payoff here despite all I've rambled on about. But since it is so long, I just wanted to give a little comment to start with. Hope I didn't come across too dick-ish here. It's not my intention to bash your story.