Talk:Heiwa, I Fight/@comment-25021327-20160116043200

The story here was pretty enjoyable. A melancholy tale from the point of view of a game character that probably doesn;t get as much credit as it may deserve. I liked the relationship between Heiwa and Olimar, it felt pretty natural to me. I also enjoyed the way that Olimar reacted to the events going on, seemingly knowing that in the end things wouldn't end up really well for the Pikmin, but persevering anyhow, and gaining the respect of his followers.

I felt like the execution here could have used a little work. Though I'm sure that those who have played the games in the Pikmin series will be familiar with all the beasts that are in this pasta, I have never played a Pikmin game, and had a little trouble visualizing what the monsters looked like. In addition maybe some more description of the worlds that they are on, what they look like, etc.

The main issues for me reading this were technical. There are some spelling and grammar issues throughout that were a little distracting to me at times while reading, and another thing that I noticed was that the tense seemed to change from time to time. Though the story is mostly in past tense, it slips into present tense sometimes. That might not bug some people but it is kind of an issue for me.

Some of the wording choices felt a little odd to me. Sentences like '' Blood was pumping out of its back, but despite the crimson goo, we attacked the source, ripping away deeper and deeper into its flesh, until all the yellows and blues were red and the beast had no more left to stand with. '' just feel like they read strangely to me. It feels like it runs a little long, and I feel like it should say the Beast "Had no more (something) left to stand with." I dunno, maybe I'm ust nitpicking.

One other thing I might suggest would be to try to ease up on the use of the words "goo" and "blood." I felt like they became very redundant by the end, and maybe some synonyms would help it read a little better.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm bashing your story. I don;t intend to, and as I said, I liked the plot and some of the character execution. I just found that it was a little hard to read through. Some further proofreading would go a long way for this one. In all, I'm glad I read it :)