Talk:I'll Never Be The Same (Version 2.0.1)/@comment-5675310-20150207055415

I think I'm going to give up the old way of reviewing, for it seems that it restrained me from writing all that I wanted to; so just bare with me here.

Alright, so you recreated this with the intent of making it better I would suppose, and in this way you've succeeded. In the most technical of terms it's much more polished and clean, with few grammatical errors throughout. What I did find odd was your sentence structure for some of the descriptive statements within, just as how you seem to snap from one writing style to another. The sentence, "I fall unconscious from everything, the stress, the pain, and the bleeding..." has either an unneccessary word in it (everything), or a few (pain, stress, bleeding). You see, if you had just said "everything" and left it at that, I may have considered it more vague, but it most certainly would have felt more natural than stated that and then going on with what you had just said before in lesser detail. So, for that sentence, and a few others, I suggest that you maybe either replace some words, remove some, or just redo the sentence all together. Now, when I talk about writing styles and how they seem to rapidly change, I mean that some sentences or paragraphs just seem out of place with what you've established the protagonist's personality is like. From, "Unusual, my trainer usually didn't get home until well after darkness has fallen, and I see through the bright light coming from the window, that it wasn't even dark yet," which makes the character seem some-what smart and knowing among other things to, "The light turns on, and I know I'm fucked," makes the story feel wildly inconsiderate of whom you're speaking of, or whom you're speaking through. They just don't match.

When it comes to the plot itself, I still think it's rather cliché, and could most definately use some fine tuning. Nothing here feels original, and a lot of the times it feels more like a sloppy slasher with a melancholic undertone than that of which I am guessing you were aiming for.

Whilst better, it still needs work.

6.5/10 - Death lives (talk) 05:54, February 7, 2015 (UTC)