Talk:Umbra/@comment-25021327-20150820010514

This isn;t too bad a little story, it has some potential. As it is now it feels a bit forgettable to me. The setup with the deep web stuff works pretty well, and sets things up pretty lightly in contrast with the dark elements later on in the story. I think that can work very well.

The descriptions of the gameplay elements were okay, but I felt they could have been a little more fleshed out. Although the events in the game are what are most important, I think that being more descriptive about the visuals and sounds that went with it would have helped my immersion a bit more. Just a personal gripe I have is the way that the narrator reacted to the game. I've never been a big fan of the vomit-in-disgust thing, but I guess I can see why it gets used so often.

The pacing here feels pretty consistent up until the reveal toward the end. That felt a little abrupt to me. The way that the narrator's character takes a complete 180 from squeamish and timid to full on phsychotic killer seemed odd to me, but if it is supposed to be very jarring, I guess that works. Just another personal gripe.

The spelling and grammar here could use another proofreading, but there wasn;t anything that distracted me too much from reading the story, mostly just a few typos. Not a bad read, and pretty quick, but unfortunately, for me at least, it didn;t stand out too much from the crowd.