Talk:They Don't Forget You/@comment-7706473-20130402093710

You asked for negatives. I am here to oblige!

For one, still needs a lot more formatting/fixing/spellchecking/capitalization. Do this at your leisure, but do it. That and some more paragraphs in the middle chunk (Mario, who was driving, by the way) to make things more fluid.

Second - speaking for me personally, I don't feel scared (generally) when something effects the game. The way the characters interact directly with the player makes me disbelieve them, and since I don't believe what is happening I am not as scared.

Abandonment is pretty scary - definitely more scary than random hyper-realistic blood. So maybe try to explore that a little more, in a way that seems more realistic to the reader. Perhaps instead of talking to the reader, the characters in the game are slightly different, and it is the reader's perceptions that have changed.