Talk:It's Cold/@comment-7706473-20131031060603/@comment-7706473-20140517092534

I'm glad my blathering helped out a bit - I enjoyed this quite a bit. I don't know if you're still around, but let's see... The only parts that really bothered me were all - mostly - tied to the nature of the main character. Sometimes she just seemed like she thought or said comments to reinforce to the reader that she was a gamer, and a girl. To me, it stopped feeling natural and a little silly - especially since she apparently 'won the genetic lottery'. On the other hand, it did lead to lines like " I was a girl in high school, I didn’t need any more self-esteem problems."

Sometimes it just seemed like the lines were there to reinforce that so that the reader didn't forget; Vince calling the narrater gamer girl, for example, when in my experience he'd probably go with something like "HEY, YOU." They were mild, and none of them were things to fix - but they added up and kind of felt like filler. Though - again on the other hand - since the narrator is recounting her experiences in the past tense, and has a trend for embellishment...

Actually, I think a lot of this ties to Vince. I couldn't quite tell if he was supposed to be a kindly, but paternal and a little bit creepy manager-type, or an unusually young and saavy arcade owner. Gnashing teeth might be too much for it - perhaps it would be better to say his role could've been better fleshed out? Reading it through again for the second time, I can't tell you how - which means I think I was blowing hot air! Or cold air, to suit the theme - hope this helps!