Talk:Mind Over Body/@comment-27014123-20151025063959

Nice story!

The two transition paragraphs to the ending were really rushed. One minute the kid's writing a paper and the next his teacher is being attacked, the bell's ringing, and the class is running out. A period in a middle/high school is usually about 40-50 min, so does that mean the protagonist only wrote 1 paragraph in an entire period of English class (which ended with the bell ring)?

The point of this creepypasta is to shock the reader with the twist at the end. If you had extended the actions of Jimmy, maybe with a detailed gruesome scene with the teacher and/or a violent scene where Jimmy gets arrested in front of the class, the reader would never suspect the protagonist being the villian of the story. The ending could've been even better.

And listen, I loved the ending! When I read it, I imagined them as 7th-8th graders for some reason ( I remembered writing alot of English papers for a very hard teacher I had in 7th grade). So that last sentence really bothered me about "perferring the body" I wasn't expecting it and the last paragraph works great.

Overall, great attempt, good story, but can be even better. 7/10

Oh and sorry for being a grammer nazi but this is a very simple error that is kind of noticable:  The bell rang just in time to distract "he" crazy bastard.