Talk:Curiosity/@comment-7706473-20140512100308

First and foremost - how is this a Psychonauts story? I'd remove the tag unless you have some brilliantly hidden connection or something.

Personally, this just strikes me a story that wants to scare you on the premise of 'lol, gore, scary.' I'm quite the fan of gore - when done right, but here we have a very short story. The narrator announces how villainous they are so that we have no doubt they're a Bad Sociopathic Monster, the narrator easily dispatches the patriarch, and then kills a little girl. As weird as this phrase sounds - ho-hum.

Not only is the narrator facing no challenges with murderfest 2014, they seem to draw from a pool of more familiar tropes, Lectoring us about the BeGeinings of their evil, evil plans. And that's where the story really falls apart for me - if you stop to consider it, we're not really given any reason to care about anyone, so the initial shock value wears off and we don't really care. Instead, I found myself wondering Very Serious Questions.

- Why is it that women in these stories, especially little girls, smell of roses? Or perfume (on an eight year old, at home? playing with her father?? my mother would've beat the crap out of me if I'd been mucking around with that stuff then)? I'd love it if a story ended up having a Gein wannabe disgusted when they find out that a perspective target doesn't match their ideal fantasy.

- Speaking of, where's the mother in all this? Is the narrator the mother? Was mother the killer? Who was phone? Was there no mother? Is mother the first other? Were there two daddies?... All of these were questions that pulled me away from the story, as you can probably imagine.

- The killer must be a very tiny individual to wear an eight/seven year old girl as a suit, even with 'fingerless gloves'.

- Blood doesn't blend in with red.

You've got the usual targets - grammar, spelling - down, and clearly have an idea you want to spin into a story, or more stories. Maybe the narrator is some sort of supernatural entity, or this is all in their head. But at the moment, it just seems gory and pedestrian, and I'd recommend trying to shake future stories up a bit. Explore why the narrator is so intent on murdering. Maybe have them stop at the last minute, only for something else to rob them of the chance, killing their target accidentally. Describe the horrific events that made them 'the psychopath that is me', because just saying a line like that outside of a snarky story can get more laughs then fright.